Just Life. Just Stuff. in The Crimson Permanent Assurance
- June 19, 2014, 5:16 a.m.
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- Public
OK, so at work we have these old ass computers running old ass Windows with old ass Internet Explorer and I keep getting messages from websites saying that they either don't support this version of IE anymore or they're about to stop supporting it. Lame. Work is so stupid.
I have been going back through the last text download of my diary that I could find (I am pretty sure I have a newer one somewhere, but I haven't found it) and converting them into PDF files by year and I've made it almost to the end of 2001 and I have discovered that I pretty much hate the person that wrote most of those old entries. I have deleted a few entries that just made me cringe too much. At first I thought it was wrong to delete those entries but then I realized that really, they don't have to exist. Who am I saving this diary for? Mostly my kids. It's revisionist history, but if I could take an eraser to those moments of my history, I really would, so I'm trying to only save the stuff that is either non-objectionable or meaningful. The crap can go. In fact, I think instead of starting at 2000 and working my way forward, that I am going to start at the end and work my way back, and maybe just stop when I start hating myself again. About the only thing worth saving from those years is the poetry. I also don't know how I feel about all the Chantal drama that exists in my diary. It's not that I want to pretend it didn't happen, but more that I would almost just rather forget how angry I was during all of that time. I don't know. We'll see. It is rather sobering to read back and realize that I was just so full of shit for so many years. I think I really started to pull my head out of my own ass around 2004-2005, and the last six or seven years I've been more the "me" that I think is authentic and not full of crap.
My mom is still in town, she's here until the 1st. I have Friday off and then a full week of work and then a three day work week the week that she goes back to Florida. I feel a little guilty because the schedule I work on means that I'm asleep until at least 1pm every day, and I think she finds it a little hard to enjoy family time that way, but it is what it is. I couldn't take any more time off from work while she was here and still have enough vacation time to go to Florida in September. Tim has had this whole weekend off and supposedly is getting the back yard ready to be re-graded but I really don't see how he is going to be ready to do it by this weekend, which is when they have planned to rent the skidloader. Whatever, I have ceased giving a shit about things that far beyond my control. I am just content to be swept along in the stream right now. The weather has been terrible every day, raining at least once a day, and tonight the rain was so bad on my way to work that I hydroplaned on the highway three times which was TERRIFYING because it is under construction right now so there is no shoulder on either side of the highway, the lanes are narrower, there was traffic behind me, and a concrete wall to my right. Thankfully it wasn't catastrophic and the Jeep didn't get too out of control. Fun times. Didn't need that year of my life anyway.
I found what is basically my dream Jeep online yesterday. It's taken all my willpower not to go down to the dealership in town and look at it. I don't NEED a new Jeep, like for real. There is NOTHING wrong with mine, it still feels almost brand new. But this one, this is the one I would build for myself if money was no object, except that it's a deep green and it has 60,000 miles on it. I am about 98% sure that I would be approved for a loan on it and I actually have a little equity in the Jeep right now (it's worth more in trade than we owe, is what I mean). But. I do NOT need it. And we are about to throw down on some cash right now to rent the skiploader this weekend. I've sort of compromised with myself that if it is still at the dealership on the 27th-30th, I will go to the dealership and just see. These big GMC lots are usually pretty frantic to move stock the last few days of the month to make their franchise quota and if I was going to get a good deal on my trade and a newer car, it would be then more than ever. BUT. I DON'T NEED IT. I will just keep telling myself that. But it is a truly lovely car. I just wish the mileage wasn't so high on it for a new car. If I were to get this model of Jeep, I would probably stick with it for quite a while because I hate the way they restyled the Grand Cherokee in the latest model and I don't think I will ever want one. The only things that this Jeep I'm in love with has that mine doesn't is a full length sunroof (the sunroof stretches the length of the car rather than just over the front seat), the keyless start/unlock (where you just keep the fob in your pocket or whatever rather than putting it in the ignition) and customizable suspension/4WD (you can pick snow, sand, etc. and it sets up the suspension and the 4WD to optimize it for that condition). Everything else is the same as what I have now, which is pretty top of the line for the model Grand Cherokee I have. If you had told me five years ago that I would be all hung up on a model of car and have some dream version of it, I probably wouldn't have believed you, but I am a diehard Grand Cherokee lover now. Of course, this is the most ridiculous case of retail therapy ever and I don't need to be engaging in it, but it's nice to dream, right? I'm pretty sure it won't happen but the fact that it COULD is also nice. It's not something that I couldn't afford, and that is a total 180 from where I was two years ago.
It has been surreal to read bits and pieces of where we were financially, emotionally, etc. in 2000/2001 compared to where we are now. Tim and I are coming up on our 16 yr. anniversary in just two months and that is on the downhill slide to 20 years together. That in and of itself is pretty crazy considering how emotionally fraught things were back then. Of course, we're also in a much different place now than we were 2 years ago when Tim wanted to pull the pin on the grenade and blow our relationship apart. That's harsh, I don't think he ever really wanted us to split up, I think he just went through a phase where he really wanted to punish me for being who I was and find a way to make me change my expectations of him, which to his credit worked because I really expect just about nothing out of him anymore, and he likes that. I don't say that with any bitterness, even though I probably should because I wasn't allowed to change my expectations of him, but considering that in response to all of it, I pretty much became a weekend-night time alcoholic and he hasn't ever complained about it or tried to make any comments about it, I guess we're about equal.
I have failed so far at not drinking while my Mom is here, but I drank maybe an 1/8th of what I was drinking instead last weekend. I have full recollection of both nights that I drank, no black out spots in my memory, though I did have some wicked heartburn Monday that I think was the result of eating chicken wings while buzzed. I did have to fight off the desire to drink MORE MORE MORE, that craving was still there and it was FOR REAL, but I just went to bed instead. It's so weird because I have no cravings or desire to drink at all during the week, like the thought doesn't even occur to me, I don't have vague wistful feelings that it was the weekend already so I could drink, I haven't ever even been tempted to have just one little one, nothing like that. I'm not sure how it is possible to turn into a total lush after 9pm on Saturday and Sunday and then just go back to life like normal Monday, but that is my life. I guess I will try drinking even less this weekend and see what happens. If that is possible.
I did have a moment of win tonight when just for funsies I pulled down a pair of jeans that I bought from thredUP a few months ago that were WAY too small when I got them, like they felt like a full size too small when I tried them on the first time, I wanted to see if I was any closer to getting them buttoned now (I have NOT been dieting or exercising any more than the usual yard work/house work). I was actually able to button them up and they are just a tiny bit snug. They don't give me muffin top, they are a little more tight in the thighs than I prefer, but they, somehow, actually fit. They feel like if I wore them a couple times without washing them, they would be just about perfect. So I am wearing them tonight. Score! Except. Now I need new "goal" jeans. I haven't weighed myself in months, but I have been taking the Skinny Fiber Chantal has been hawking as her new job every now and then (not on the regular) and my Mom brought me this PlexiSlim stuff that apparently my brother lost 40 lbs by taking (I haven't even tried it yet). Of course, Tim had to burst my bubble by admiring me in the jeans and then saying "Hm. Your butt is getting flat." Yep, apparently any weight that I have lost has come from my boobs and my ass, both of which I was pretty fine with keeping as is. He swore he was just joking but I actually do think my butt has gotten more flat. Part of it is Office Chair Butt All Day Erry Day, that doesn't help. Of course, I could do stuff like work out. Tone up. Ahahahahaha. That is so funny and probably not going to happen. But it's a nice thought.
I bought some of those orange essence prunes to snack on and I think that may have been a poor choice. Like there is going to be hell to pay in the bathroom at some time in the future. I can't help it though, they taste so good.
Did I tell you guys that Savino is full on reading now? It was so weird how the transition happened for him, I feel like I really had nothing to do with it and he just picked it up really well towards the end of kindergarten. I think he just had a really good learning-to-read experience and he's just pretty smart too. He goes and pulls a book off his shelf and just sits down and starts reading aloud, and he's remarkably good with the Dr. Suess books especially. I was hoping that he was going to be easier to teach to read than Haley or Laila were, that was two twin nightmares right there. I remember Haley full on crying about having to read these little paper primer books they send home, Savino was always able to fully read the ones he was sent home with on the first time around. It's a relief when something like that just happens easily. Because for real, I don't have patience these days for things being difficult.
Oh yeah, Haley turned 15 on Monday. Yeah, let me repeat that for those of you who remember little bitty Haley, who was all of 1.5 when I first started my diary at OD in 2000. SHE IS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD NOW. So yeah, you can just shoot me dead now. For her birthday first she wanted a pair of Beats headphones and then that changed to two guinea pigs. I should be pretty grateful that she is such a young 15 that small animals are her present of choice vs. you know, a car or something. That will happen soon enough I think. We are hiring Dr's Ed lessons for her because I pretty much refuse to teach her. I do need to go down to the DMV and get a book for her though so that she can start thinking about getting her learner's permit.
I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't blow my mind that she is three short years away from legal adulthood because that is cuhrazy. Of course, she just barely squeaked by passing the 9th grade last school year, so I'm not sure what exactly she has in mind for her adult years, but I guess we will see.
I haven't really let myself think past the 4th of July this year so far. We are planning to drive down to Florida the second week of September but that still doesn't seem very real to me yet. The kids go back to school the last week in August, Haley to the 10th grade and Savino to 1st grade. We are making a clean break with Eleni in that I won't be picking her kids up from school next year and she won't be picking up Savino, though I don't know if she is aware of this or not. She is a whole other entry to herself. I haven't actually spoken to her in something like four months and even then it was the barest of conversations. The last time she sent me a text was May 15th. I feel bad for her kids who only see Chantal's kids when Jay has them for the weekend and I am not even sure when the last time that was. And the only time they saw Haley and Savino was when I was picking everybody up from school every day. It's sad that they are probably not going to have much of a relationship with them next school year. Eleni has friends who buy her drinks and enable her, so she doesn't really need me anymore. I'm not even sad about it, just matter of fact.
I am hoping that Tim will get the back yard situation worked out by the time my Mom leaves so that our weekends can be family oriented again instead of me taking the kids one way and him going the other. It would be SO NICE to have a back yard again, and a place to hang out. It would be nice to be able to do stuff on Saturdays or Sundays as a family this summer. I feel like it is really just slipping by us.
Anyway, I better wrap this up since it's getting long. Life goes on. Kids are good. I am good. Tim is good. My back yard is not good but I have hope that one day it may actually be again. We will see.
ParyNoid ⋅ June 19, 2014
My mom and I were talking last night about how, as you get older, some people just fade away from your life. I have friends that have become so far removed from my reality that I rarely speak to them, if ever. Then I have my friends from when I was a kid that I have reconnected with and cherish their friendships. Life is weird.