A working theory in 2014

I have a working theory for why I'm so down these days. Courtney seems to think it holds water. I'll record it here. I'm an extrovert. I love talking to people. I love dealing with people. I love being around people. I use the inspiration and joy that I get from human interaction to get me through tough times. Yes, it's true, I need alone time sometimes, and, yes, it's true, I enjoy it. But a lot of the time that's just to digest what I've gotten from people. As much as I admire Courtney's introversion, it's not me. I don't think it really can be. I'm not sure if I'd want it to be, if given the chance. I like being extroverted. Generally. I think the problem is that, being this fat, looking as I do, I'm honestly ashamed to be seen in public. I can't stand how I look. It's a constant source of embarrassment and shame. I don't like that I'm an asexual amorphous blob as far as women are concerned. I don't like that I'm a non threatening marshmallow among men. I lose confidence. And when I lose confidence, I'm forced to interact with people differently. I get aggressive. I get bitter. I got domineering. I just get nasty. I don't like it, and I don't like being that way, but I just NEED to tear things down. Nothing can be good if I'm not. It's a horrible way to feel, and it's a bit more nuanced, but, it seems that when I'm not even remotely happy with myself, nothing can really give me pleasure or joy. When I'm forced to interact, I know I'm bad at it. This further undermines confidence. It's another example of lack of self control. Also, my social skills have always been a major source for self esteem. Gone. Just gone. More to write on this later, really there is, but I need to sleep.