Hollow in A day in the life...

I was watching a TV show the other night and there was a character who had bipolar disorder in it. She had chosen to live her life unmedicated, even though it cost her big time in so many ways. Another character asked her if she had ever tried taking medication and she replied that she had, once, after she had been committed because she had fired a pistol at her husband while he was holding their son. She said the medication made her feel dead inside...like someone had scooped out her soul. Granted, that would have been many years ago, before we had the plethora of drug choices we do today, but when she said that it really struck a chord in me. That's how I've been feeling since I've been on medication.

I used to be so funny! My son remarked one time that you could always tell when his mom arrived because that's when all the laughter started. I told stories in a way that would have people practically wetting themselves. I used to laugh a lot, and I used to be moved to tears very easily. It's not like that anymore. Now it feels like I just go through the motions of life...I don't really feel anything. I don't hardly cry anymore and I don't laugh much anymore. My son noticed I was different when I was visiting him and Mia back in May. He kept trying to get me to tell funny stories but when I tried, it was like I didn't know what to say or how to act. He kept looking at me with a worried look on his face and I wanted to reassure him that I was okay, but am I? Is this what my life is going to be like until the day I die? The only thing that's constant now is that I still have anxiety attacks almost every night. Luckily I can tell when they're coming so I can head them off with a Xanax.

There are good things that have come out of being medicated, for sure. The hypersexual behavior (with people who were not my husband) has ceased, the needless spending has ceased, and the staying up for days and then sleeping for days has stopped. Those ARE good things, and for those reasons alone I will not stop taking my medications.

I really miss the old me sometimes, though.

On to another subject. The new job is going really, really well. I think a lot of people would find it boring, but it's a perfect fit for me. I process orders for a high-end home interior wholesaler. It's a little repetitive and doesn't require a high IQ, and it's quite a pay cut from being a legal secretary, but the non-existent stress of the job and the really nice, laid back people who work there make it totally worth it. I think I'll stay awhile :-)

So I gave Amanda as much notice as I could that she would have to find another nanny. Luckily she already had her brother lined up to watch them this week, so she had almost 2 week's notice. I apologized profusely, but let's face it...driving to someone else's house to watch 2 little boys for $5/hour just wasn't cutting it, and I don't understand how neither she nor her husband aren't getting that. I really hope she finds someone good, but chances are slim. Not for that little bit of money. Oh, and if any of you readers are FB friends of mine, please DO NOT post anything on my FB page about my new job. When I told Amanda I couldn't watch the boys anymore I just told her that I had to go back to work because my short-term disability ran out. It's partly true and partly not true. My short-term disability did run out, but I didn't go back to AAA. And I went back to work at a regular job because $5/hour wasn't cutting it and I was tired of having to pick up cleaning jobs and literally working 7 days a week...I was friggin' exhausted all the time! I am going to keep cleaning the office building, though. It's once every 2 weeks and I can do it after work every other Friday night. I'm also going to keep babysitting Ben on Sundays, because I have a car seat for him and if I want to go anywhere I can take him with me, or he can stay here with Tony. Let's face it, that kid likes Tony better than me...lol. He literally lights up when Tony walks into the room. It's so cute! Ben is also a super good-natured baby so watching him is easy.

Tony picked up my stuff from the AAA law office (where I worked) today and turned in my ID badge and key card for me. Tomorrow I am going to call headquarters and tell them that I am not coming back and after that AAA and I will be officially divorced. Oh, and the hearing on their Motion for Summary Judgment (motion to dismiss, basically) is this Friday. I'm curious as to how it's going to turn out, but that's about it. See what I mean? I don't even care about that. Dismiss it, don't dismiss it, I could really care less either way. But I will keep you all informed, I promise.

Well, I guess I'll go now. I'm not really sure what else to say. Hope everyone had a happy hump day!

Much love....xoxo