1 good and 1 horrible. in Since OD is shutting down....

By the grace of God, I was able to get my Mom to come look after my child so I could attend counseling. Whenever she got here, I mentioned the jury duty thing and she told me to call. I honestly never even thought about it, probably because making phone calls like that gives me a lot of anxiety but I was also interested in doing that and hopefully get some answers. I talked to a lady that said they normally send out letters but they didn’t so she was going to send me one stating that I HAVE BEEN EXCUSED!!!!

I can’t even begin to describe the weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders knowing I won’t have to worry about going because again, I don’t have a reliable sitter and I definitely didn’t want to have to deal with ending up in deep shit because I didn’t have anyone to help me with my child. I am annoyed that it was important to send me the letter saying that I had been chosen but wasn’t important enough to let me know that I’m off the hook. Ugh, I’m just glad the waiting and worrying is finally over.

So I get back from counseling and we were talking about my Mom’s boyfriend. Neither of us had spoken to him in awhile. My Mom said she had spoken to him around the end of June or the first part of July and he was still in his apartment. I decide to Google his name where 3 different articles pop up with his obituary. I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken. I just feel empty. I wish I would have stayed in touch with him but I didn’t because my Mom had basically shut the door on that and I didn’t want to risk him asking me to relay messages to my Mom so I was trying to respect her feelings.

I guess he went to hospice after he had talked to my Mom and he just died on the 3rd. His funeral was 4 days ago. I don’t even have a picture with him but I do have pictures of him with my Mom and my kid. I’m sad that he liked rock and roll but he never listened to music when I was around and we didn’t really talk about it so I can’t even find songs to listen to and think of him. All I know is I always said that he should’ve been my Dad. I know how much he liked me and I know he loved me. The last time I saw him we sat in his bathroom and smoked a cigarette. He stood up and hugged me.

I have been fighting my tears all afternoon. I’m sad to think I could walk around the world and I still won’t see him again. He was more there for me than my Dad ever has been and was always very sweet to my daughter. I’m upset that neither my Mom or myself ever developed a relationship with his ex wife or kids so we don’t really know how to reach out. I think I’ll still send a card to a PO box listed on the obituary though. I wonder if his pickup and car are still sitting by his apartment building.

All I know is I’ve dealt with some pretty tough blows the past 3 months but this one is the fucking worst. I am so angry that his cancer wasn’t found quick enough and that his health was so bad. I’m angry that he could be such an asshole to my Mom and that’s why she left him. I’m angry that my Mom didn’t make more effort to stay in touch with him but I also understand her reasons too. I’m angry that I didn’t get more time with him and now I can’t go back. My Mom cried and I did too. I held it together pretty well though because my daughter is home from school. I’m angry that I always get bad news and can’t ever just let out my emotions because I have a little one watching me.

I know that he wouldn’t want us to be sad but I am anyways. I’m sad that I went my whole life not knowing him until 3 years ago. I’m angry that I won’t see him again in this lifetime. I worry that he was sad or scared when he went to hospice because I remember him being pretty negative and pessimistic when he learned he had pancreatic cancer. I am grateful that he’s pain free and doesn’t have to spend his time and money going to dr appointments anymore. I remember when my Mom first told me he had cancer and I just felt sick. I remember telling him that I was going to stay hopeful though because I truly felt that they were going to be able to save him.

It’s crazy how fast someone can go downhill and pass away. I think we had just learned about his cancer in April or May and he’s gone now. I am so sorry I didn’t make more effort and I can’t take it back. I just thought that he was gonna end up okay and we would have more time.

Anyways, I gotta pull myself out of my thoughts with this and get my kid ready to unwind and get to bed on time.