Identity in 2014

So often I've thought my identity in terms of labels, or in relation to others. Family. Friend. Student. Worker. Boyfriend. But I've come to realize that I don't really have any good concept of my own identity in relation to myself.

There are pieces. I'm an introvert, which seems to get stronger as I get older. I like being by myself a good bit - probably to the point where I get selfish with my time and attention more than I should. I'm an academic, but I've come to accept that I would never really be at home in academia permanently. It's too....rigid and structural for my taste. I love being a student, but I'm fairly sure I'd never be able to make a traditional academic career work.

I'm an avid reader, and writer with too many hang-ups up to this point. I love to learn and to create, but my own fears and doubts tend to get in the way of really taking it where I'd like to.

Work's work. It's not very stressful, and it pays the bills. Mostly, it provides a paycheck, health insurance, and long term retirement benefits. It's a good job, and I mostly like what I do. But I have no emotional attachment to it.

I failed my first attempt at grad school, and that still eats at me. I waffle about going back again, though I've been thinking about it more the past year or so. If I could do it without taking out another loan, I'd like to. Either the writing program at KSU I'd applied to right before I lost my last job, or possibly an online writing program. There are some high quality ones out there that are either online or at least low-residency. But that'll all come later, after I get my health and sleep issues taken care of.

But as weird as it may sound, I don't really know who I am. And I think that's a big part of what causes me problems in my decisions, and in how I interact with others. I need to figure it out better, but how?

Part of it is that I've largely kept to myself for....really for more than a decade now. It was largely lack of energy (due the sleep apnea I now know), but also because of my at times extreme introversion making it difficult to connect to people. It's to the point now where I truly feel like I nearly wasted that whole time period, and now there's a sense of needing to catch up.

My brother's moving back in with my mom, which will leave this house for just me (at least for a short while). That will help some. I'd hoped it would've been just mine when I moved in, but then my brother moved in to be closer to my dad last year when he got sick. So I've never really had my own place, which for as long as I can remember has been one of my biggest goals. I want.... a place that's just mine. A big part of that is psychological - starting to create a sense of stability, independence, and self-sufficiency. Something I've often struggled with. Just as I'll be recovering from my surgeries and hopefully finally getting myself healthier and hopefully more rested, Anna will be moving in next month. A part of my can't help but wonder at the impact on myself at never having any long period of time at my own place.

I don't know. My mind's been all over the place lately. Hell, for the past six months or more. Losing my dad and my uncle so close together, and then watching my grandmother's dementia deteriorate really drove home the sense of time. Seeing my girlfriend graduate with her Masters despite everything she's been through. My brother's changing jobs (actually going to be working at the same store as me, just a different department) to get more stability himself financially. My best friend's halfway done with her online Masters program. It's just all driving home that feeling of wasted time, a need for changes, and a need for figuring out who I am and what I want.