Letter Rewritten - Actual Copy Mailed in I am I Said.

Doug & Wendy W*

Dear D & W:

I hope you forgive me for writing to you after so long, I feel this is necessary for me to finally close the chapter of Christopher and to finally forgive myself for lying to you to protect him. My therapist suggested that I do just this in order for me to let go completely. In light of the new developments, it’s become important for me to set the record straight. Christopher knows exactly how I feel about him now so if you choose to allow him to read this letter, it doesn't matter to me. NOTHING in this letter is untrue from my mouth and I have your son’s own written words to back anything I say up. He knows that also. I am not vindictive by nature, but your son has pushed me to the point of no return with his latest set of lies and deceit.

I would first like to say, with all honesty, THANK YOU. Thank you for never once making me feel as if I were a home-wrecking, well, for lack of a better word, whore. If you had ever felt that way about me, I never once got that impression from you at any time I had the pleasure of spending time with you and getting to know you. I grew to love both of you and respect you both greatly. I still do and I sincerely always will. I cherish the gifts you had given me during my time with your son and I especially cherish the box and coat rack you made for me, Doug. It means the world to me now and meant the world to me then. That someone took the time to make something, with their own hands, for me and gift it to me – means more than either of you could ever, ever know. Every time I walk by my storage box, untouched the way you made it for me, I smile and say a silent thank you.

Your son is in another 5-year cycle of deceit and lies – I am sure if you both think about this, it will make sense to you too. It pains me greatly he was so savvy as to fool me the same exact way he fooled Cathy before me and now this new one. I don’t even want to say her name as I know way too much about her and her “family” from where and whom I work for. All I will say to that is that it is a complete PUNCH in the face to you, Carol and his children with him repeating history with this one. He has his hands full and he doesn't even know it yet. This will not end well if I am to believe a person close to that family that is fully aware of her and her past. And? I do, I needed only to look at her picture to know what they say is true. When your son called me, begging me to stop telling her family about his actions with me, I told him “No…I told you, if you ever lied to me again, all bets were off Christopher…you lied and now? I am going to do what no one else would do for me, which is, tell them all about your lies and infidelity and all the lines and excuses you use to bait other women in your quest to repeat history at the expense of your son’s mental/emotional well-being and at the repeated emotional expense to your wife.” So I did. I provided proof so he cannot worm his way out of saying I am crazy or whatever else he said to the new “walking womb.”

I never knew Christopher was married when we began seeing each other. He had told me when we began talking, MONTHS and MONTHS before I met him, that he had just ended a relationship with a woman named “Cathy”. He never told me. I was married and still trying to save my marriage. I was with my ex-husband for 23-years, and only had ever been with one man before that. Christopher is a savvy predator…I would ask him advice on what else I might be able to do with my husband to bring him back to me. I was giving him dating advice in those days. Again, never knowing he was married, living at home with his wife and son.

I was unable to save my marriage, I will not go into the details of how badly it ended and what finally made me give up, as those are not relevant to what I am saying.

I will fully admit that when I met your son, my ex-husband was still living with me – but we had agreed to divorce. I continued to support him financially while he awaited a settlement. I told him once he received the settlement, he could take it all and then we would divorce. I never once lied to my husband about who I was seeing, where I was going. My husband was well aware I was seeing your son and spending weekends with him. I simply do NOT lie. I lied to you though and I lied to Carol about how I and Christopher met. Because I was so deeply in love with your son I felt the need to protect his lies. I found out Christopher had been lying to me about his marital status right before I found myself pregnant by him. I met him and told him I couldn't see him anymore…and then I found myself pregnant. At the age of 40-years-old, after being told I could never have children. I had undergone fertility treatments in my mid-20’s and none were successful. My husband was tested and it was not him, it was me. In the 23-years I was with my husband I had never gotten pregnant. But along came Christopher, seeking a new womb to implant a child in and there was stupid, naive me. Beyond scared … because now I knew he was married and living with his son. My conscious was screaming at me constantly, but, god help me, I had always wanted to be a mother and I was blinded by your son’s romantic words and false promises and exclamations that “I've never loved anyone like you”. “I want this baby more than anything.” “I am going to divorce and I want to marry you.” Christopher asked me to marry him, while married still, at least 100 times. I would always say “No, you’re not even divorced”. Then, as you know, Christopher once again left Carol and Ben and immediately moved in with me. God I was stupid. I do not have a child by him because when I saw my doctor, I was told the child was not feasible…I had been taking some very dangerous blood pressure medications because my doctor’s knew I could not get pregnant so there was no concern at the time in me taking that medication. I was devastated hearing that. I went to 3 different doctor’s, seeking a different response, I even conferred with the pharmaceutical company, and all said the same. If I was even able to carry the child to term, (s)he would either be born still-born or born with such awful birth defects (missing half a brain/face/limbs) and would die shortly after birth. There was no way I could do that…no matter how much I didn't want to believe them. I had to accept that this child was not to be and … I will say, during this time, your son was a rock for me. He went with me for the procedure…I was so upset…it almost couldn't be done that day. My blood pressure was 200/110. I begged and pleaded for them to please proceed because I knew I couldn't leave and come back. He sat with me and made me laugh and calmed me down enough that with the IV BP meds, I was able to go through the procedure. He took care of me after, but we never talked of it again. I wanted to, I needed to, but he would not. He would get mad at me and scream at me if I even brought it up – so I stopped.

I had also never really drank alcohol much. I was always worried I’d become addicted as both my parents were addicted to substances and I had read a long time ago that it can be handed down. I was too smart to allow myself to even go near drugs or alcohol for fear I would become addicted. But that’s all your son wanted to do. So I started drinking with him, and between that and his constant emotional/mental abuse, my health declined. It declined to the point where I was at the doctor’s every week! At a time I was being tested for leukemia, I came home, obviously very upset and scared, and crying. Your son stood in my kitchen and proceeded to scream at me that I was over-reacting and I needed to stop.

As time went on, your son started drinking more and more, and the more he drinks? The nastier he becomes, argumentative, abusive verbally, very combative – I had to pull your son away from bar fights more times than I care to say. The only way I was able to was to remind him of his job and that if he were arrested he might lose said job and how would he support his wife and child?

I tried, I tried so hard to “fix” him…I loved him wholly and with everything I had, but? It wasn't enough – I wasn't enough – no one will ever be enough for your son he is totally incapable of being faithful.

I threw your son out of my home because he would not do the right thing and divorce and I finally had enough. Every single day I was with him, knowing he was married, knowing how badly I was hurting Carol and Ben, was a day spent in a personal hell really. I am NOT that woman, as I said, honestly, I was a “good” girl. I never slept around and I really never dated. I have been on my own, self-supporting since I was 15-years-old. I raised myself…I had no time for dating, I had to work to keep a roof over my head so I could stay in school and get away from my toxic/abusive family. So, yes, as bright as I am, I am emotionally/romantically naive…or was. Your son changed that. I am naive no more. The night your son was to be gone from my home, December 30th (I allowed your son to stay because Brandon was coming home after being deployed and in no way did I want to rock the boat and have that homecoming be anything but a happy one for all…except me.) Any way, that night? I went to a concert in CT while your son was finishing removing his belongings from my home. He was to be gone when I got home later that evening, really late. Instead? I came home to a blacked out Chris, fully clothed, and passed out on my couch facing the front door. I will say my heart literally sunk when I drove up the street and I saw his car there. I was sick with worry – wondering what kind of mental and emotional abuse he was waiting to dish out to me one last time. Well, without going into all the details, your son assaulted me that night…trying to force himself on me – knowing that I had already been raped twice in my youth. I managed to fight him off but not before he bruised both my wrists and my mouth. When I fought him off – he started sobbing and then he passed out. I was unable to free myself even in sleep from his grip. So I lay there all night, scared he’d wake up again…but he didn't. Eventually his grip loosened and I got out of there. I did not make him leave that night as he was too drunk to drive and I was concerned about him killing himself or someone else or getting caught and losing his job. Again, protecting the very man who was … I was gone the next morning early and I had stayed out hoping he would be gone when I returned. I had scheduled things to do to keep myself occupied so I wouldn't sit home crying all day long. I came home that early afternoon and he was still passed out in my bed. The dogs awoke him and he started screaming at me. I went in and told him to get up and get out of my house and reminded him of what he did that night to me and I showed him the bruises he left. He screamed at me “I’m Sorry!” When he got out of bed, he was having a low sugar attack, pale, soaked in sweat, shaking, couldn't see well. I recognized that from my ex-husband who has diabetes and I couldn't throw him out in that state. Instead, I made him something to eat and made him take a glucose tab and then go rest while his glucose leveled out again. He was angry, yelling and just mean, right up to the last second he walked out my door.

I had hoped it would end…but it didn't. He did the same thing to my drugged out, alcoholic neighbor Diane that he had done to me later the same evening. She told me that months later, I did not believe her because I didn't want to. I didn't want to think that he would be that ugly that he would sleep with that filth next door in my home in my bed. I called Christopher when she told me that, after I had told her to get away from me and do not come near me again. He denied it and I, of course, believed it. Because the entire time your son was STILL trying to get back together with me – in my bed and in my heart. I was NOT listening and not having any of it because he did what I had begged him NOT to do. Which was, once again return to Carol and Ben…I begged him when I met him, “Chris, please, you can’t do this anymore to your son, you’re hurting him and ruining him…please stop.” But did he? No, because Christopher cares about one thing and one thing only. Christopher and his penis.

While he does love his sons, it's not in a healthy way and he has not been a good influence for them either. I once thought Chris was the best father ever. Now I see the damage he’s done to Ben, I knew of the damage he had done to Brandon before that. But it’s Ben I grew to LOVE and I wanted to try and protect him from all of this. But I couldn't and I hear it in his music how angry/confused/hateful words about women/ etc. and my heart aches so badly that I contributed towards that in any way.

I had written a letter to Carol when Chris moved out and in with me. Apologizing for being that woman…and hurting her in a way that only another women could…I will always carry that guilt.

I had also written a letter to Ben, telling him how sorry I was to have hurt his mom, and telling him I was ready for him to tell me off or whatever for doing so. That I accepted any anger or hatred he might feel towards me. But Ben never did…I watched a funny, good in school, good at sports, happy boy deteriorate over 5-years and I hate your son for that now. I would be more than happy to share that letter I wrote to Ben with you Carol, if you'd like to see it. I have nothing to hide.

Christopher and I only fought when I would ask when he was going to get divorced or when I would catch him in another bold-faced lie. Then he’d get maniacal…screaming in my face, backing me against walls, clenching his fists and grinding his teeth. His way of having me back off because he knew he never had any intention on divorcing Carol and he was just stringing me along for as long as he could. Well, I had warned him from day one, when I first learned he had lied to me from the beginning, “I am NOT your wife, Chris. I will NOT tolerate you lying to me and I will NOT tolerate you cheating on me. I don’t know how or why she allows you to do this and keep coming back, but I will NOT.” And I made good on my promises. Still? I kept his secrets and I loved him.

This time? I am sick. Your son has been trying to get back into my bed the entire time he was impregnating this new cough. He denies it, I have it in his own writing. He once again, got someone pregnant, lied to her and her mother telling them he was living in the home he built with his son while he and Carol were divorcing and placing the house for sale. That she and her mother were living separately in a condo down the street. Well…that made me so angry and again, I’d been watching Ben deteriorate emotionally since Chris returned to Carol and Ben after me. I called your son on the carpet and told him, “You’d better tell this one the truth Chris, because if you don’t? I will. I will show her everything and she’ll know what a lying, cheating, despicable man you truly are. She’ll know you’re doing to her what you did to me 5-years ago. The only difference this time, Christopher, is she’s going to know ahead of time what she’s getting into, whereas I didn't have that opportunity.” And I made good on that threat and I contacted both her mother and sister and told them everything, even showed them his last email to me where he admits things and swears to God he's trying to change. We ALL know Christopher is never going to change. Never.

I am sending a copy of this to Carol too. I end by saying to you. If at any time you look at yourselves and wonder if you are in any way, shape or form responsible for the man your son is? The answer is a CLEAR NO! Chris had every opportunity afforded to him to know what a healthy, loving, sustainable relationship looked like and he also has very strong parents who raised him well. I would have killed to have parents that were caring, loving and supportive of me. I can only imagine how much further I would have gotten in my education had I had that background. He should have emulated you, Doug, as the outstanding man, husband and father you are. Instead, Chris blames Kerry, to this day, for everything he does to hurt other women. Chris impregnates women in some misguided effort in trying to undo that Brandon doesn't carry his DNA.

He will never change…I think we ALL know this except him. His other excuse is he blames all of his horrible actions and decisions on alcohol. Well, he chooses to drink – for now, he said he is sober 6-weeks, I have an email where he told me he was out drinking 4-weeks ago. He will behave for a little while, but he will return to being the cheating, lying, alcohol swigging monster he really is. For some reason he seems to have become addicted to misery and negativity - if he's not living in it, he creates it. I fear that this new child, god help her, is going to suffer the same in the end that both Brandon and Ben have - but in a worst way due to his poor choice of a "mother" this time. At least Brandon and Ben had Carol, her parents and you.

I can no longer allow that to tear at me and I can no longer hold this inside to eat at me. I did everything possible, including offering my spare room to Chris to get him away from Ben and Carol so they could have some relief because he was moaning and crying about how ugly it was getting there and he needed to get out but couldn't find an apartment. Which I knew was bullshit, there are plenty out there, he had one excuse after another as to why none were acceptable. None were acceptable because Chris simply cannot live without a woman. He cannot live on his own because then the Dark Chris takes over. he knows it, so he found a new one to begin the cycle of abuse again. I wouldn't have cared, but he had to continue to lie to me and play with my heartstrings again, when he was already living with this new one…I followed through, this time on my threat that if he lied to me or messed with me anymore, he would be sorry.

I am sorry, if this letter upsets you…but as I said at the beginning, I need to formally close this chapter of my life, learn to forgive myself and let go. I, again, thank you, for being so kind to me and allowing me to spend time with you. I had truly hoped one day I could call you my family…as when I divorced my husband, I lost the only real family I ever really had. Chris would fly into jealous rages when I would speak with my ex-husband or his family. He separated me from all my friends with his jealousy.

Again, I say, to ALL of you, I am so, so sorry for causing any pain and suffering to any of you. I hope someday, you can all forgive me. All my best, Love, Tamara