Deer Camp in anticlimatic

Depressed today. I tend to reach for this site when I’m depressed, in general. I never read my own entries, but I suspect I’d sound a bit like Eeyore from Winnie the Poo if I did. There are days when I feel very sound mentally, emotionally- and then there are days which begin that way, but at some point I find myself balancing a knife’s edge to maintain that positive forward momentum. Was doing that today and I slipped right off.

I love my girlfriend, but she piles it on sometimes. I wonder if I do the same thing to her. I hope not, I try not to, but we have different love languages. I’m sure you know or have known the struggle there. She can get me going on a downward spiral, but once it takes off it’s not really about her. She’s my brightest star of the day, squabbling and power games aside. What gets me is all the loss. Is it self flattery to think that I might hold exceptional appreciation for things? Anything, everything- whatever degree of affection an ‘average’ individual might have, might my own be elevated to some fold? The idea of being special in any way, even detrimental, is nice- but I would prefer it if it were universal in all people, and I am sharing in an experience with countless others across the ages. I’m only trying to understand why I seem to divide my time evenly between loving and experiencing things while mourning others.

I still mourn my father. My grandfather I mourned for 3 years I think, and it hasn’t quite been that long since dad died. My mother was always my favorite, but I blame her now for how he died. I know she blames herself too. I wish I didn’t blame her. I know it wasn’t intentional. I just think of everything he did for her. His entire life, donated. Untold hours of hard labor and dedication. He twisted 180 degrees away from his true nature to keep her happy, and it ultimately broke him- and when it did, when he needed her to help and support him she got irritated and stonewalled him instead. By the time she finally started taking it seriously it was too late, the plans were laid. The train had left the station. She fell asleep in the afternoon sunlight and he wrote us all goodbye letters.

Last updated September 16, 2022