I Kept Warning Him...Long Over-Due Retaliation of Truth in I am I Said.

Dear C, W & D:

You can chose to rip this up right now without reading, because really, you have every right too. However, I hope you do not. I hope this letter brings you, C, some, I don't know, vindication perhaps? You are the one person on this earth I most would like to sit down and talk to -- and have for years now. But I know you don't want the same - yet I have to do this. Atypically selfish of me, but I'm learning to be selfish for the first time in my life.

I was also advised by my therapist that this would help me finally close the Christopher Chapter of my life. I know it will.

I include my letter to you, D & W, because I have been wanting to reach out to you for a long time now. I have wanted to tell you both that, in the little time I got to spend with you, I truly grew to love you too. I was so grateful you never treated me like a home-wrecking whore. If you had ever felt that way towards me, I never felt it. I really have no family, so I really appreciated what little time I got to spend with yours. I cherish, to this day, the chest you made and gave to me D, I told you then and I say it again. That meant/means the absolute world to me, that you would make something for me with your own hands. Especially, all things considered. I will always cherish that and I see it exactly as you made it every day on my way in and out of the house and smile.

W, I really loved our shared love of nature's critters and will remain forever sad I never got to help you feed your raccoons. It was pure delight getting to see all the hummingbirds you feed though. I read the bird books you gave to me while I sit and watch the birds in my yard and the other things are still in the garden too. I have only laid sight on a hummingbird twice in my yard...once last year, once a few weeks ago, after my last conversation with your son. Strange, I took it as a sign of sorts - again - because every time your son pierces my heart again, I see one.

I also think you really need to see your son for what he is, not in the hopes of hurting you, but perhaps in the hopes someone will finally break through to him and break this vicious cycle he remains in. Hurting everyone...hurting himself.

C you have every right to hate me, every right and you probably do. But there's a lot you do not know and I lied in my first letter to you when the shit hit the fan with me and him. I did so to cover for him, because I was head over heels in love with him. I lied when I said he had told me he was married. I did not lie anywhere else in that letter to you. The entire time I was with Chris, I always felt tremendous guilt and I was always, always in a lot of emotional pain from continuing on in hurting you. From being with another woman's husband and especially with regards to B. It tore me up, every day, to be with Chris while he was still married, even if I have no idea or not whether you were torn up. I wasn't his first, and now we see, I am not his last.

I swear on my soul and that of my most loved dogs, Chris NEVER told me he was married and living at home with his wife and young son. NOT during the entire time we were just casually chit-chatting for an entire year. What I knew from Chris was that he had broken up with a girlfriend named Cathy, a while before we started chatting and that he had been married twice. Can you believe I was actually giving him dating tips when we first became friends?!? I look back now and I feel sick. I never had any intention of ever meeting him. We were just office friends of sorts, but we'd chat all day via email.

I NEVER EVER EVER EVER wanted to do that to a woman - not you, not any woman. You don't know me from Adam, but one thing I am is a very, very sensitive person...I do not hurt people, to do so causes me great pain. However strange as that may be, that is the truth and part of the whole *thing *I have.

Here is the 100% truth. Me and my husband had agreed to separate long before I ever met Chris in person, but yes, Chris was the final straw for me in calling my marriage over after 23-years. We were not sleeping in the same room when I met Chris - I had not been intimate with my husband for quite some time and that was a BIG part of my issue with my marriage. That's how Chris got to me. I'd ask him for advice on what more I could do to excite my husband, thinking a male friend might be able to help me see something I wasn't doing or lacking or whatnot. I had been trying to hang on and fix my marriage for 10-years already. His family was the only real family I had ever, ever had. I lost them all in the divorce. They see me as the cheating whore and I never advised them differently -- I didn't want them to know the truth. That their son/brother was once again addicted to drugs, had cheated, etc. So I carried the blame knowing he was becoming out of control (blew through $100k in 3-months in Florida living like a rock star!) It's likely I'd still be trying to fix my broken marriage, I might have forgiven my husband for what he had done to make me finally give up. If Chris had not charmed his way into my bed.

So, I would sit there, and I would listen to him telling me about his love life woes, and about K and B1, how much it hurt not to be B1's real father. I would talk to him and give him advice and let him know that even if he didn't share any DNA with B1, that B1 is his son. I knew he and B1 had a rocky relationship, he blamed K for that. I told him there would come a time when he and B1 would reconnect. Etc.

Then he would tell me of B2 -- and the love he has for his son. I would smile. I'd smile thinking, "What a wonderful, loving, caring Dad this man is." I grew to love *THAT *in Chris, first, in an amicable way. Because it was something I never had, I knew only pain, fright, fear then abandonment from my 'father' and pretty much the same from my mother.

The only thing he ever said to me about you, C, was that you were unresponsive to his sexual needs from pretty much the time B2 was born. Then he met Cathy...etc. I also know there was someone before her, when B2 was 2-years-old. I cannot remember her name though - although I do know she was a stripper in NH. THAT right there should have told me something was not right, but I was stupid and naive. He told me once B2 was born you were devoted to B2 and he had become an afterthought or ignored. You weren't paying 100% attention to his needs and so he left and met someone else to, well, have sex with. Sex and Chris are all Chris really cares about...that is the sad truth.

Now that history is once again repeating itself, which I knew was going to happen and told him about 4-weeks ago - including telling him I knew she was pregnant but if she wasn't, she would be and she is. That's part of my issue with being classified as a true empath. Once I am emotionally tied to someone, I can feel what they're feeling. I know it sounds crazy, for my entire life I thought I *was *crazy. But thankfully, Chris screwed me up so badly, I finally found the right therapist who is helping me undo all that has happened to me in my life. I've been tested and tested and tested again - so it's true, the true empath thing. I just knew then and I know now - I knew about her and her mother before you did probably, C. Not from anyone else's mouth either but from the emotional tie I still have with Chris and what he had told me. You can verify this yourself with him. I think me telling HIM that I knew he was screwing someone else and she was knocked up now might have spurred him on to come clean to you. Worried I might tell you first.

I'd include the emails between us, but that doesn't matter. I have loads of emails from him admitting all kinds of lies and spewing more lies. Where he admits what he did to me below - too. I learned to save those emails from him after he'd bold-face lie to me or get crazy saying he never said something. So I could prove he did.

Think with me now, he has a 5-year cycle with women. He first figures out our weak spots, then he fills those weak spots and is quite romantic and loving going about it. Then he's got us hooked. He lies and manipulates and will use whatever means necessary to get what he wants - a new piece of ass (sorry W and D for the coarseness). Then? He leaves you and his son, blaming you, C, claiming you ... well I already covered that (now I understand way more). Then? We get pregnant.

Yes. Chris got me pregnant too. After I had been told my entire life I could never have a child. After going through infertility treatments in my 20's. It was not my husband who had any issues, it was me. I never used birth control with my husband, we underwent infertility treatments, I never got pregnant. I had LONG since stopped being with my husband, as stated above, that was a big part of our issue at the start, his lack of affection.

It was right before I found myself pregnant at the age of 40 by Chris, when I finally found out that he had been lying to me the entire time. For months! He never once told me he was married even when we started to see each other, C, I swear to you he never told me. He did NOT tell me because I am very clear and I repeatedly said I would never be involved with a married man, especially one who had children! To me that is the most awful thing for a woman to do and yet, there I was doing that!!! (I will always hate myself for that, even though I initially didn't know, but in no way do I excuse my actions.) I'm telling you all this so you can see, I've received my punishment for this...and I keep receiving it from him, until now.

So there I was, marriage ending, Chris telling me he was in love with me and had never loved anyone more than he loved me...yadda, yadda. Filling my head and heart with all the love poems and song dedications that I had so yearned for my entire marriage from my husband. Of course he knew that was the way to get to me, I pretty much gave him a list of instructions without knowing it, on how to lure me in and catch me.

When I finally found out Chris had been lying to me, I got very angry, we had a very large fight and I told him we were DONE and to leave me alone. But? He kept on...I was so stupid and naive and I believed him, I really believed him when he said it was over this time. That he was divorcing, this time. Yes, he told me about ALL of the others and I was still stupid and believed he was divorcing and he was in love with me and we'd live happily ever after. What a fool.

Then? I found myself now pregnant, 40-years-old, headed towards divorce, and the father of the child I had wanted my entire life had lied to me and was married and had a son already. To say I was a mess is a slight understatement. My husband knew I was pregnant, he walked into the bathroom after I had taken the test and was crying. My ex-husband further knew that I had met someone, he knew where I was and with whom I was with. I never once lied to my ex-husband, there was no reason to as we already decided we were going to get a divorce and had been keeping separate bedrooms. Besides the simple fact of me just not being a person who lies. I kept supporting my husband while he awaited a settlement from being hurt at work so he could move on and we'd then get divorced - that was the agreement. I gave my ex-husband the entire $100k settlement and we parted ways and I filed for divorce which was granted. Chris promised over and over he was going to do the same.

I had to tell Chris...and we met. He was very upset thinking I was going to break off all contact with him for good. I was scared to death to tell him I was pregnant. He was over-joyed when I told him I was pregnant and he told me he was relieved I wasn't breaking it off with him, again, filling my head and heart with lies about being the "best thing that ever happened to him".

Without going into all the painful details concerning that child I had yearned for my entire life? It was not viable...due to medications I had been on for years and was on when I got pregnant by Chris. I had to end the pregnancy ... I had seen 4 different doctors and talked with the pharmaceutical company...wanting so badly to have someone tell me something different. But the end result was always the same. That was 5-years ago. Start to finish...his odd schedule of cycling through women every 5-years. Here we are again. Right?

His new cough is pregnant now too and he's recently moved in with her. I told him, about a month ago, that was exactly what was going to happen. And, it has. He asked if I was a "medium" he knows about my strange 'gift', as does B2. I told him then to never, ever contact me again, as he had been emailing me again telling me he was still in love with me and never had fallen out of love with me and asking for sex in exchange for home repairs he started and never finished. I said "no", of course. I was NOT going to cause anymore damage to myself messing with him while he was, once again, living with his wife and son. He wanted to be my "friend with benefits". Yeah, no. I am incapable of those relationships, I was also finally recovering from his crap and was not about to let him fool me again. Yet at the same time, I loved Chris still and I do have a way of talking to him that gets through to him. So I remained trying to get him to straighten up, fly right, start to repair the damage he'd done to his sons, etcetera.

At the same time he had already met this lovely sarcastic mother/daughter duo. Right then I asked him which he'd be pursuing this time, the usual older woman or the daughter? I even said, "hrm this time it will probably be the daughter, since she's fertile. I figured it would be the daughter because he wants another child and always has. That is ONLY what Chris wants...in his twisted mind he feels he can make up for B1 not being technically his with another child. He asked me repeatedly to get pregnant again, while we were together and long after I finally had enough and threw him out to try again and have his child...he also asked me repeatedly to marry him, while married to you. This would be hilarious if it wasn't so painful.

I'd like to more aptly call us victims now, C. Any way, we both know that then he's good, he's oh so good for about a year or maybe two. Then he turns into a crazy, drunken, negative, always yelling, always mad man. It sucks the life right out of you and anyone else in the same space. And it's never his fault, it's always your fault, my fault, Cathy's fault, but mostly he continues to blame Kerry for all he does.

Then it really amps up with him getting us pregnant.

This all goes back to his relationship with Kerry. No one knows Chris better than I. One thing, as I said above, we talked for a very long time before I ever met him. I was married, I had been with my husband for 23-years when I met Chris. My husband was only my second lover. So I am not, well, smart when it comes to men. Because I pretty much grew up with only my now ex-husband in my life. I never dated, me and my ex-husband were friends and just fell together. If that makes any sense. He was solid and had a large family and I needed that at 20-years-old, after never having it and being on my own since I was 15-years-old.

For the past 2-years he has been back living with you? He was STILL trying to get back into my good graces all along, Carol. Since I threw his sorry ass out. I threw his sorry ass out because of the overwhelming guilt I could no longer stand carrying, being The Other Woman. Also the emotional and verbal abuse from him became too overwhelming for me. I grew up that way, I refused to allow it to continue as an adult. The night he was to be GONE from my home when I got home? He was here, so drunk he could barely stand. But not drunk enough that he didn't become violent towards me, he tried to, well, force himself on me that night. I fought him off, he sobbed himself to sleep and I awoke with bruises on my wrists and around my mouth. (I have an email in his own words owned up to this.) Later I learned he had tried to do the exact same thing to my next door neighbor Diane. I was sick...so sick. She's a heavy multiple illegal substance user, but he was still trying to bed her in my bed, in my house. He will never own up to that, but she tortured me for months over what he had done to her and he never would intervene. I took the abuse from her over what he attempted to do to her that same night. At first I did NOT want to believe it, but she had no idea what he had done to me that night and she told me way too many things that were identical in behavior to be lying. I believe her, her son also knows Chris did something to her that night. He will never admit it, but he did. The similarities are just too close for her to be telling anything BUT the truth. I called him when she told me that, he got really defensive and asked me who I was going to believe "a drunken crackhead whore or me". Well, let me tell you. I suffered for 2-months of harassment from her over what he had done to her. She stood outside her property next door for weeks screaming obscenities about me at my house, she and some large man would pound on my door at 3 AM - I was scared. I called the police and I told your son. I asked him to come over and deal with this because it wasn't my problem to deal with. He never did - I was a wreck, crying at work...my bosses were ready to take me to Lynn Court to have a harassment order taken out against her, but I didn't. I didn't because once again, I was protecting your son. I did NOT want to have to tell the story of why she was doing this to me and there be the possibility that he would get fired. He never once did anything to help in that situation, not even when he was over here one evening and heard her yelling in a drunken/drugged rage about what he had done to her to her boyfriend. I went door-to-door to my neighbors and apologized to them for them having to listen to the filth she was screaming at my home. It was embarrassing and painful, however, apparently Diane has done stuff like this in the past, so...it wasn't new to them. They wished they had told me...but didn't know me as I was new to the neighborhood. I tried to help her at the very beginning overcome her drinking and drugging, but she got worse and I disengaged.

So there it ALL is. The entire ugly truth. My heart aches for Ben...literally aches. I have been begging Chris for 5-years now to STOP STOP STOP doing this to Ben's mother and him. Begged him...I only stayed with him and allowed him to abuse me as long as I did because I really do love your son, Carol and I really loved your son, Wendy. I really believed I could "fix" Chris and I did ALL I could to keep him happy. But it was never enough and it will never be enough.

It bothers me so much to hear Ben in his writings, I don't reach out anymore, but I have told Ben I am always here if he ever, ever needs anyone. I hope you do not hate me for loving your son. To hear him singing the words he sings and writes, is like an arrow shooting through my heart. The Ben I met and quickly grew to love was a wonderfully funny, beautiful, sporty, good in school, liked school, bright young man. The Ben Chris has turned him into is the Ben I warned him would happen if he kept on doing this to you and Ben.

Now he's moved on to his next victim, and it sickens me there's a baby coming...another child for him to screw up. What is even more sickening is who this woman is and her connections and her past. From my job and who I work for I know more than I really want to. Ugg, it's beyond disgusting and a slap in the face to you all. :(

I'm sorry, so, so deeply sorry. I wanted you all to know the truth from my side, finally. I have to have some kind of closure, for myself. I have to let go and I have to tell the truth!

I also hope, Carol, finally, you divorce him. For yourself, it's time you stop allowing him to continue to walk all over you AND Ben. You both deserve better. I would also like to say, well, if I were you? I would keep Ben away from this new girlfriend of his. She is NOT a good person, at all, nor is her family or their associates. I know them from where I work...and I've heard first-hand what kind of "woman" she is...he is getting what he deserves this time, for sure. I hope I am wrong, but I think we all know I won't be.

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Last updated June 17, 2014