ColoNOscopy and best 1st Lady of the Church of .... something not good lol in Second 1st

It has been a rough 2 weeks. After getting back from MI I’ve discovered I can’t work the “night shift” with Doordash because my depth perception seems to change after dark.... not so much early morning in the same conditions .... my only guess is it’s because I’ve rested.... Which is something that’s beginning to elude me. In order to reach the goal required to pay bills, I have to work 4 am-10 am and 4 pm-7:30ish..... The more I make in the morning.... and the longer I’m out the less I have to make at night.... but either way, I’m done not too long after dark.

This week the goal is $90 a day .... with 1 day off and 1 day where it goes purely to what I’m behind..... So with only one vehicle… I’ve been sleeping like 4-5 hr a night and taking a nap during the day most days during the hotest part of the day because Rocky’s car doesn’t have A/C....

He was going to have it fixed 2 weeks ago.... I don’t remember his excuse last week but this week he was supposed to get a colonoscopy today.... meaning the last 2 days he’d be shitting his guts out literally..... I feel horrible that he did all the work for nothing.... they wanted $854 dollars upfront.... not happening....

Worrying about bills way too much.... missed the house note last week .... paying it next week will be within the grace period and it’s won’t matter that much.... It’s my fault for taking that whole week off unplanned.....

As it stands now I feel like we are drowning for sure..... mostly medical bills.... around 2000 in medical and the e-fund is empty.... I now have places I’ve picked all over my arms.... (15) and (6) on my face. .... I don’t blame that entirely on money.....

I also blame it on general anxiety from having a husband.... and a husband.... since Jake got out he’s been calling me his wife. He seems to make a big deal about respecting my opinion which is good because his has been poop.....

He’s staying with Destiny right now and the situation had been getting progressively worse since he’d moved in. Constant over reactions. Destiny would get mildly annoyed with something and he’d tell me that when he was able to leave their friendship would be over.... It got way worse. He’d claimed that she had him sign a contract to do chores and buy groceries as rent. .... From his side if he didn’t do these things he’d be homeless. It was the last straw when he said That he was going to lose friends because he has a big booming voice. I know it bothers him. He’s been told to be quiet.... and he’s a very social creature and talks a lot. .... both are things I like about him.... his voice is clear and welcoming.... sigh

It would be akin to me saying people won’t be friends with me because I’m fat.... that if I gain anything else people will stop talking to me.... so..... I told him it had to be the meds.... he decided to not take 1 and started feeling better the next day!!!! Less easily angered.... less frantic.... He’d put in a ton of inquiries on apartments and was really freaking out over not getting in one right away....

After being able to talk to Destiny we are all on the same page. Now is a time of chill and healing and trying to figure out a clear path. Not a time of panic. Destiny said there is no way he’s ready to live on his own. Ya’ll he was really thinking when she said ” a couple months” that she’d given him a 60 day deadline and was acting accordingly. Panic. Like 60 days=24hrs panic. I personally am super glad he’s calming down.

It’s much nicer to be worried about the relationship than the person. If you understand....

Jake told me while he was in the hospital that he’s decided to become a preacher. He’s been doing things towards those ends since.... talked to his preacher and applied for school. He’s been accepted and 70% of tuition will be paid. He talks like I’ll make a good preacher’s wife....
in fantasy .... that sounds like a great gig....

In reality I could not do the things a preacher’s wife should.... First off I obviously am not a good example of a God fearing woman nor have I been a church goer all my life. People.... I hate people.... and drama.... there will no doubt be drama… and I cuss.... I like to cuss… but that’s not a good example for the church and..... divorce.... by that time would be twice.... oh yeah once because I’d actually cheated on my husband with a man who became their preacher?.... such a good wife.... lol

He talks about our future like we have one. I like to believe it. It all sounds so wonderful coming from his lips.... reading it in texts from him “When we....” ” This is the cruise ship we are going on someday” “We could live anywhere as long as I’m with you” I am his light, his everything. My voice calms him as if he were an angry tiger turning into a playful kitten and taking a nap. Thinking I mean that much to someone is hard to walk away from.... that’s all I’ve wanted really wanted.....

Then Rocky does something good or something smart and Jake will point out that he’s a good person or a good husband.... and it’s confusing lol .... my own fault obviously.... the need to be needed....

This brings me to a new couple of addictions.... well not addictions yet… I just enjoy them. This new sexual awakening brought to you by Jake.... has led to masturbation 3-4 times each weekend via videos with Jake. Also, pot gummies.... I managed to get some while up there at $6 a bag.... I spent $36 and I’ll have them for a while. I still get dizzy when I’m high but I care less.... so it’s like a mini vacation. Don’t worry I’m responsible and have only done them sitting at home watching TV and chatting on the phone with Jake and/or Dest. I’ve told Jake “I’m gonna be a pothead when I grow up.” Chaulk that up to great First Lady of the Church material. LOL