Burnt out. in Since OD is shutting down....

I feel really exhausted, stressed, overwhelmed and frustrated. I’ve gotten a break from my daughter 3 different times all Summer and it was a total of 7 hours. I had to reschedule my Dr appointment that was scheduled for next week because I of course can’t rely on my Mom to ever watch her.

It’s been really tough planning to not have a life outside of being a Mom for 3 months. I love my child with every part of my being and she’s the best gift I ever received but It’s been a lot to deal with alone. I have so many things that have sat on the back burner for months now and I’m grateful that I’m going to be able to start doing stuff for myself. I will be able to prioritize myself for a change. I give everything to my child and at the end of the day I have nothing left for myself.

I’m angry that everyone that could have helped has chose not to. I’m angry that no one hears my cries for help and just acts like it can’t be that hard raising a child by myself. They’ve had kids and it’s tough even WITH a partner but doing it by yourself every damn time definitely takes its toll.

I drove my car earlier and it still has a bit of a rough idle and loss of horsepower so it has me pretty concerned. I don’t have any more money to drop into it but I know that it’s probably needing to be looked over.

It’s really annoying that even one the days my Dad works, my Mom doesn’t even offer to come over. I also don’t think she’ll come for the first day of school because it’s ‘so early’ and it’s like okay you literally can’t make an exception for one fucking day for 20 minutes where you can go home and go back to bed?!?! I’m sure it’ll be a big ordeal when I go to ask. I don’t even plan to ask for her to come to the open house anymore because that lands on his birthday and he’s already made it pretty clear that he’ll sabotage her coming with.

One of my goals for this year is to get my bag up and plan to move. I just can’t deal with anyone here anymore. I hate it here and everyone has made me angry enough to leave them all behind. I’m tired of the fight any time I need a babysitter, I need my car fixed, and I’m just tired of being alone.

I’m really frustrated with my house being filthy ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! I cleaned like a nut yesterday and by today, you can’t even tell. I am such a neat freak and knowing that my house is just going to be dirty 24/7 just gives me crazy anxiety. I am constantly sweaty and gross cleaning and no matter how much I clean, it doesn’t even make a fucking dent. I can’t STAND filth and crap everywhere but even cleaning constantly doesn’t help but I can’t just sit and let things be gross either.

I just want out of here. I’m tired of feeling like my kid and I are just trash, no one gives a shit about us, we aren’t welcome anywhere. I am so tired of dealing with this shit.