I need to appreciate my life and not be so downhearted in My life

Seriously so. It’s right here on Prosebox.
https://www.prosebox.net/entry/1471917/i-did-it-again/
https://www.prosebox.net/entry/1471988/head-injury/

Many people are fighting a much much bigger battle than me. I should be grateful for what I have.

Got rejection emails from the public defender place and legal aid. I didn’t even want to work at those places but like not even those places would take me, so. Cried a lot. Scared the husband by calling myself names. He finally muttered up the courage and asked if I self-harmed. Dude, I’m super squeamish about pain. I can’t even pierce my ears. I’m too scared of the razor to even shave myself. Let alone cutting myself. No worries. I’m too much of a coward. I should have explained further: I just emotionally abuse myself but I don’t see no harm in it. I just hate the disappointment. If I talk good about myself, then something bad happens, I’d be disappointed. But if I already give myself the worst, things can’t sink any lower.

Talked into the night about how I didn’t like the way he supported me. Got to a point of agreement (but we did this many times before). Woke up, feeling a bit lost that I won’t have secrets to keep for myself anymore and I’ll have to be vulnerable with him. He’s tired now.

Despite the hope, I have to be realistic. I don’t think we solved a lot, and maybe deep down I prefer it that way. I’m tired of myself.