VIDYA GAEMS in Tales of Transhumanism

Everyone and their uncle knows I'm a gamer. Other than specific titles, though, I don't really talk about video-games as a concept. One guy on PB once decided he was going to "explore" the "motivations" behind why gamers are gamers, and I thought that was extremely pretentious of him. So you won't be seeing any of that hipsterish "Games are art, don't you know" self congratulatory wank here.

But it's vitally important that you know about video-games, and the many types of gamer, if you're to continue reading this horror-show I laughingly call a "journal".

TYPES OF GAEMS

First Person Shooters: Aim at something and click a button to kill it. It's so easy that any spastic five-year-old could do it, and they do.

Third-Person Shooter: The same as FPSs, but with the view of a stalker.

Music-related Games: What better way to pretend you have have any musical talent than by hitting buttons on a fake guitar or making an annoying, crackling puberty shriek into a microphone?

Role Playing Games: Only played by people with fragile egos as RPGs allow them to be someone else, and sometimes RPGs even allow the player to make an over-idealized version of himself. Also, for some reason, the genre most likely to see a large number of gender-swapping amongst the male players. Yes, male RP gamers almost exclusively make female characters. Not me, I hasten to add, but it's apparently a thing. But not me. Fuck that shit.

Real Time Strategy: You play as a person with the ability to command vast armies for whatever retarded purpose they could desire. Anyone who has ever played one of these knows that they're entirely luck-based and redundant.

Massively Multiplayer Online Games: These are ironically the games that are inhabited by the most socially inept fucking losers. Usually they're obsessed with leveling which makes their E-Penis bigger, getting virtual money, and meeting people even more pathetic than them. Often at times, people on MMOs will form guilds so they can pretend they have really close friends.

Sports Games: Played by people who suck at sports.

Online sex games: (known as dating sims if they're aimed at people who jack off to cartoons) Although there have been a few of these games for consoles, most of these games exist only on the Internet. Taking anywhere from 2 minutes to 30 minutes to complete, the grand reward being poorly drawn fanporn or horribly animated flashsex. These games are usually comical in their inaccurate descriptions of fucking.

Survival Horror: Imagine reading a genuinely frightening book; now strip it of all that makes it genuinely frighting, make that book cost ten times as much, have it include shit randomly scream at your face every minute and you have every Survival Horror video game ever made. It should also be noted that these games will always have terrible controls, lame fourth wall breaking, and plots and scenarios so mind-numbingly stupid that it's horrifying to think anyone was paid to write them.

Racing: People who can't drive play racing games. This makes up 99.99% of internet users who say they drive a car when in reality all they know about cars derives from Forza Motorsport and Gran Turismo.

Fighting Games: These require the player to smash as many buttons as possible on the controller until somebody dies.

HOW TO MAKE SUCCESSFUL VIDYA GAEMS

Because seemingly every child who plays video games decides that they want to become rich, happy, and successful members of the industry, here are a few examples of how to make a successful game so that you don't totally cock it all up:

1:Make everything in the game darker than shit.

2: Use an already firmly established character and/or setting. Fanbois may bitch and whine about a game violating previously established canon, or being different in style from other games in the series, or being fun when the other games were shit, but that won't stop them from buying it, no matter how many times you get their hopes up, only to unleash another shit-fest upon them.

3: Add a gun. Bitches love guns.

4: While you're at it, put in as much gore, violence, sex, tits, and swearing as possible without it getting the dreaded AO rating. This will make it extremely attractive to 13-year-old boys who strive to be mature by playing mature games for mature gamers such as themselves.

5: If Jack Thompson calls for it to be made illegal to even utter the game's title in public, you're doing it right.

6: Make a fitness game for the Wii or Kinect. This will make it more popular than Jesus among 12 year old girls and middle-aged women.

7: Make it cross platform. This will make you more money, is quick and easy, and will cause drama among the console fanboys as they argue over which version is better, despite them all playing the same way. Alternatively, if you happen to be James Cameron, you could just make a shit game of your shit movie and make a different one for all the consoles, so that fantards will buy all of them.

8: Make it exclusive to the PS3 or Xbox so that the Sony/Microsoft fantards will worship it for being an exclusive title.

9: Make it exclusive to the PC, so that the miserable PC Gamers will feel that they are still relevant.

10: Make it Retro. Retro-hipsters will noisily fap over anything that looks like it came out of the 80s or 90s, even if they themselves acknowledge that it is complete shit.

11: Have it contain a shit song from a shit band. Dubstep will do the job sufficiently. Be sure to to put a different song that never actually appears in the game in the trailer as well.

12: Have it contain or be about a character from a popular movie or comic book franchise. Nerds will buy it for this reason alone.

13: Add in multiplayer, so that 13-year-old boys can scream and cuss at each other over the internet. Use the multiplayer component as an excuse for a short, underdeveloped single-player game.

14: Make up a shit story with two-dimensional characters and crap dialogue. Gamers are retarded enough to consider even the shittiest of stories good.

15: Make it turn-based, anime styled, and boring so that all of the weeaboos will buy it because it is OMG LIEK SO KAWAII DESU DESU NEKO CHAN FROM JAPAN ^-^. JRPG players have long since repressed the ability to have fun, and are only stimulated by menu based combat and unlikable characters.

16: Pour all of the budget into graphics, while letting the rest of the development team stagnate.

17: Make it as much like Call of Duty as possible without attracting the ire of Activision. CoD fantards are so impatient they can't even wait a single year for the next game in their shit series to come out, and will play anything that looks like CoD while they scream at the voices at the other end of the microphone and stuff their faces full of Cheetos, Mountain Dew, and Ritalin.

18: Finally, remove all originality and fun. These will kill a game more surely than any other problem you can face will, so GET THEM THE FUCK OUT, MOTHER FUCKER!!!

Sit back and watch as all of the gaming-related sites are paid to give your game good reviews, and adoring fans heap money on you.

AND FINALLY, A WORD FROM OUT SPONSORS ON GAMERS

I realise that there are probably a lot of folks on Prosebox who aren't gamers, and I suspect that there are even a number of you who have no idea what a gamer truly is. Let me break it down for you.

A Gamer is someone who plays games, typically to excess whilst living in his parents' basement. Gamers are self-obsessed, incompetent, megalomaniacal people who, due to their inability to realize their Paraphilia related fantasies, resort to the alternate reality provided by various mind-numbing, pocket-emptying, IQ-draining, socially insignificant games as an attempt to fulfill the need of their bloated egos and to mask the pimples, freckles, and pock-marks which crater their pale, sunlight-deprived faces, resulting in the non-existence of their social lives. If they do happen to have friends, they will be the first to say "Bros B4 Hoes" the second that friend meets up with a girl. Most gamers shop at GAME (GameStop if they're Yanks) despite the fact that they complain about their butthurt from getting ripped off from trading in their used games.

THE EVOLUTION OF A GAMER

Like Pokémon, once gamers have reached a certain level of competence/knowledge of video games they evolve into the next stage depending on their situation. In their initial stage, they spend a very long time drooling over blockbuster games no one will care about in three years. Should the gamer be a reasonably good player and turn hardcore, they will amalgamate into whats known as a TourneyFag, a basement-dweller who has somehow managed to lose enough weight to leave their parents house and turn up at professional video game tournaments. They are commonly noticeable by their socially-retarded conversation skills and aspie-like BAWLing at anything they consider unbalanced or unfair in a video game, and won't stop bitching until they get their own way, or their parents pick them up to go home. The alternative evolutionary state of a gamer is to become a Video Game Reviewer, where said gamer has refused to leave their basement of dwelling, nor have they developed a decent enough skill for competition. So instead they post videos of themselves swearing at 20 year old NES games no one gives a fuck about any more in a desperate attempt to be accepted by their other equally socially-retarded peers.

And that pretty much sums up every gamer on the planet except for me.