Sunday - 15.06.14 in Your Face

Drove home from Dubbo this morning. I had sort of planned to stay Sunday night as well and drive home on the Monday morning, but I had the uncomfortable feeling that Heslop's crush on me has returned. There were too many weird sexual comments (usually there are NIL) and it just felt like he was taking me on a date the whole time.

To backtrack: We went to high school together, and for about 10 years he had a huge crush on me that made life very difficult for both of us. He caused a lot of problems between Feher and I (the first time we dated, which was straight after we finished year 12), it made it very uncomfortable for me when I was sharing a house with he and his brother, and it meant that when he was with his long term girlfriend he wasn't allowed to go to any social gatherings that I was at. I continue to have this problem with Feher, and it astounds me. I am not a flirt, I hate physical contact with anyone other than my significant other, and I am definitely not insanely attractive or anything like that. It's very annoying. Anyway ... Heslop's crush seemed to go away for a few years there and we just had a really good friendship, going fishing together and hanging out.

So yeah. I'm a bit disappointed by that, because now I just feel weird. I could be interpreting it incorrectly, of course, but by mid-morning today I just wanted to go home.

The drive back was pretty good. Only slight drizzle, and I only stopped once instead of twice. I don't have much experience driving long distances, so I made sure to stop any time I felt a bit distracted or tired. I had plenty of time to think, especially about how I had driven like a madwoman in the rain on the way there. It was dangerous, at 100km per hour, single lanes, poor visibility and big puddles on the sides of the road that made the car aquaplane quite a few times. And I was overtaking people, never dropped under that 100km, and had no idea of the road ahead and whether it turned or what. I just didn't really care what might happen. It's not that I want to die, it's more that I don't really care either way. If I were to die today, what would it matter? Sure, my immediate family would be devastated, my friends would be very upset, but I have no job, no debts, no responsibilities. My dog is in the US, being cared for well and will have already forgotten me to an extent. My husband is a dickhead who would be heartbroken, and probably full of regret for not being more attentive, but he'd be fine after a while.

I should just be grateful that whoever looks after me in this life continues to do so. I don't know what force or being or angel it is, but someone or something has been keeping me safe for most of this life. There have been so many close calls and hairy moments, but I'm still here. I should be a little more grateful for it.

So, it's Sunday. I am very tired from the drive and a poor night's sleep. I can't seem to doze off, though. Hopefully soon, my body and mind are aching.

Not really sure what is on tomorrow, except for FINISH CLEANING THE CAR AND PUT THE FUCKER UP FOR SALE. I was supposed to do that on Thursday, but then I needed to use the industrial vacuum at the car wash, then I wanted to give the car one more wash on the outside, then it rained, then I went to Dubbo and now the car is covered in bugs and crap. Tomorrow I will finish the job.

I also want to get this room tidied and organised, laundry done and bag packed away. I think I will make beef stroganoff for dinner, but it depends on what is on sale at the supermarket. If the weather is nice I will walk down there with my backpack and pick up some supplies. I spent nearly all of my cash over the weekend and have the guilts over it, so I need to keep it cheap. Mother is likely to give me some cash towards the groceries, as I am cooking meals for all of us, but I don't want to count on that, because I am really doing the cooking because she doesn't want me to pay board anymore.