Sorting out my feelings. in Since OD is shutting down....

I've responded to my ex via email. I basically told him that I'm doing ok and unless he has good intentions then I need him to let me be. He wrote back and said he was sorry for hurting me and will leave me alone unless I wanted to be friends in which I wrote back and told him it doesn't work that way.

I managed to stay pretty depressed about this for a few days now and then realized what I always knew. I don't miss him, I just miss the companionship we had. I miss having someone to love, to get excited about seeing and having someone who made me look forward to tomorrow. I know that it's not him anymore and it will never be again and I have to let it go. I keep saying that but he keeps popping up and that's why I'm not over it completely. I just have to keep in mind that I can't control what he does but I can control how I react to it and if he responds to my newest CL ad, I am going to choose to not answer him.

So, that girl from my work went thru my Facebook wall and unliked everything she had previously liked. Well, it pissed me off and made me realize we don't need to be friends on there so I blocked her. I'm sure that will become an issue and when it does, I plan on telling her that I don't HAVE to be friends with anyone online and it's my choice to decide what degree of socialization I want with anyone. I don't plan to mix business with pleasure anymore. I did because I needed an outlet from work and sitting at home but after everything that's happened, I have to keep in mind I work with these people and need to leave it at that.

I hung out over at my brother's house until about midnight last night and then came home and ate mac and cheese. My friend that I work with called and we talked about work and then she called earlier to tell me her man was trying to have chicks email him naughty pics so he would have something to jack off too. I feel really bad for her but glad it's not me. I don't know anyone who is happy in their relationship and it's like as much as I'd like to have one, I'm glad I don't right now. I just don't get why relationships have to be so fucking hard.

Anyways, I'm pretty pumped about my job interview on Wednesday morning. I'm not thrilled it's in the morning but I just hope I get hired. I'm not saying I'm completely ready to leave where I'm at but I'm just so tired of the bullshit. I like what I do but I am just over how much bullshit I deal with daily and it's just getting worse. I'm sick of being stressed about my job all the fucking time. They did fix my schedule so that when I get there, I'll be able to clock in right away. They called last night asking me to work tonight and that they would pay me $20 just to show up and then I woke up this afternoon to a text asking me if I was coming and I wrote back and said I was just too fucking tired.

It's crazy how I was doing alright with being single until my ex has to make contact with me and then it makes me wonder if I'm ever going to find someone. Thinking about him still makes me cry and question if I'll ever be good enough for anybody. I know that I can fall in love again but I want someone to fall in love with me and stay in love. I'm just terrified of having someone love me and then change their mind like my ex did. This situation just really sucks and I hope to God someday it will all make sense. I just want to know that all this pain will have a purpose.

I'm a tad bored and plan to take a nap soon. I'm laying in my bed playing on my laptop and I'm rather enjoying it. It's so nice to be able to just relax.

Nap time.