Anxiety, Decisions in Current Events

Since my last entry, I have been experiencing higher anxiety levels. I consciously decided to draft up that letter I wrote about my roommate and read it to her. I can’t carry this in any longer.

My nerves are also high because of my camping trip with the girls this weekend. Tomorrow I have to get everything ready so that I can leave first thing Thursday morning. I am excited, but not so much anxious. The physical experience between worry and excitement is the same, the difference is the context I give it. So they say, at least.

I spoke with my mother a bit the other day. I mentioned how hard it has been for me to focus. I am internally restless and she stated the obvious. It’s my anxiety. I need to be more mindful and listen to what it is trying to communicate to me. I have that leftover habit of preparing for the worst, I can use that.

My roommate and her drinking problem is an obvious trigger. The drinking itself is not the problem, it’s her character. I mostly see the problem through myself. It’s not my first rodeo living with an addict. My job is another stressor. My hours have been reduced to what they are supposed to be. This doesn’t hurt my finances too badly. I can make do. My third stressor is that I want to go back to school. I have to get prerequisites through an adult education centre and I have been dragging that out. I am working with a life coach so the pressure is added. It’s also necessary. I need an accountability partner.

Procrastination is my way of faking a sense of control. My fear is in control. What am I afraid of? I need to explore that. I can’t live alone, I feel stuck living with my roommate. If I scare her off by trying to add self-awareness I won’t be able to live on my own. Not in this apartment anyway. If I got full-time hours I could make it work. I also want to get a second job so that I can pay off a personal loan that I have with Bev. I don’t need a second job, just full-time hours. If I get a second job I can start investing money and start preparing for the financial collapse that is coming. It feels like a second job is more important than going to school, at the moment.

I am thinking that I can apply for the semester in January. Get a second job between that time. Get myself financially fit, so to speak. Then come what may.

Of course, there is the existential dread that the world will attempt another pandemic hoax. The cable news suicide cult is already preparing for that LARP. Then the social credit which I can them building the infrastructure for here in my city. Globalist takeover anyone? I don’t even want to polarize with the cable news cultists anymore. That generation is defunct. They don’t know how to inform themselves because they failed to modernize. They are a threat to all of us. How can somebody be that out of touch? They’ve trauma bonded with a narcissistic system. They’re in a cult.

Anyway, I suppose that I need to make some decisions and take some action when I get back.