Silver lining. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I woke up to an email saying that my counselor is out sick today so I need to reschedule. I’m not super upset that I won’t see her today but it sucks that I had it set up for my Mom to babysit and now that’s not going to happen. I had a break about 2 weeks ago for an hour and a half. I’m just going to be so happy when I never have to ask my Mom to babysit!!

I am definitely thinking about my daughter being at school where it will be consistent and not only will I be able to attend appointments, but I won’t have to ask or beg anyone to watch her and also wonder if they will even show up!!

This has been on ongoing problem for 2 years and I’m grateful that in about 3 weeks, I will no longer have this concern. I’ll virtually never have to ask my Mom or anyone to watch her and I just know it’s going to do wonders for my mental health. I’ve missed out on really important things because I either just don’t ask or there’s a falling out so it doesn’t happen.

I was at my parents house the other day when my brother called asking my Mom to watch her kid and she said no. He even said that they haven’t asked in a really long time but it’s like after she goes a long time without babysitting, the harder it’s going to be to get her to do it. My Dad also has a lot of pull in that because he just doesn’t want her out of his sight. Even with her supposed to come over to my house today for an hour and a half, he straight up said, “well that’s going to mess up our plans” like he is just so against her babysitting that it’s honestly sickening.

Ya know, I understand that when we were kids no one ever watched us but they had each other so neither one of them were completely on their own like I’ve been. I’m just really hurt, angry, frustrated and overwhelmed a lot of the time and I really don’t have anyone to turn to. I never have. Everyone always talks about a village but I don’t get that luxury. I honestly believe that everyone around me has gotten a lot of sick joy from my problems and they don’t care that I never get a break.

I am just trying to enjoy what’s left of Summer because everything is going to change in about 3 weeks. I’m ready for it but I’m also feeling a lot of anxiety, dread, and Mom guilt. I sit here and wonder if I’ve taken her to do enough the last few months, have I spent enough time with her, did I have enough patience. Being a Mom is incredibly hard.

It’s really going to be nice being able to make appointments and know that I’ll get to go because she’ll be in school. I’m going to miss something really important on Monday because she has her dentist appointment but because I told my Mom the appointment was 3 hours long and I could tell by her reaction that she wouldn’t watch her so I didn’t ask. This appointment could potentially be really effective for my daughter and myself financially but again, I can’t go because there is no babysitter. Everyone I’ve talked to wants at least $20/hr and I seriously can’t afford that.

I’m angry that I’ve been left in this situation but I also just try to gracefully play the cards I’ve been dealt and know that it’s going to get better. I hate missing that appointment on Monday because it’s going to set me back time wise but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve sat here and missed out on so much shit that is affecting me and my health but no one gives a damn. I also think it’s bullshit that my mental health has never been a consideration for anyone either. I battled PPD after my daughter was born and couldn’t get meds or into counseling because there was no babysitter.

It truly angers me how much I’ve missed out on, even putting my health on the back burner because I don’t have any help. I definitely have some health concerns and need to get seen by a Dr and probably see a specialist because my hair is super thin from Covid and still isn’t growing back. I’m angry that even when I had Covid, my Mom didn’t offer to watch my kid so I could get seen. I had stopped eating, lost 26 pounds, threw up all day long, I was shitting myself every single day and I finally had to tell her that I needed her to get me to the hospital and watch my kid or I’m going to die. The dr told me that if I wouldn’t have come in, I wouldn’t have made it another 4 days!

I understand that my Mom doesn't want to babysit ever but even in dire emergencies, she's like terrified of having to ever watch my kid!! I have even told her that if I had other options I would NEVER fucking ask her again!! I don't like this any more than anyone else. I also think it's bullshit that her Dad lives here just down the fucking street and I can't even rely on him ONE FUCKING TIME!