Life. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I got super sick at work Tuesday night and was barely speaking because my stomach was killing me. Well, the girl that got promoted instead of me always assumes that if I'm quiet, it means I'm pissed at her. She ended up going off on me in front of customers and now we barely speak at all. I'm more than likely never going to be friends with her again after her saying that if I want to be an "adult" I should come find her and that I was basically just pissed that she got to move up and I didn't. I guess that's partly true but she didn't need to be so heartless and mean either. She texted me a few times later that night and I woke up yesterday morning and didn't even bother to respond. I feel that she has her mind made up about me, what she thinks I said, how things are and there's no point in talking about it.

I went to work feeling super depressed yesterday because I still didn't feel great and my ex (the one I was madly in love with) responded to my personals ad on CL that I posted over a month ago. I'm upset about it because instead of working things out with me, he's trying to find someone new?! Well I couldn't stop thinking about it and ended up responding last night. I haven't heard from him yet but I basically told him that unless he has good intentions, then I need him to leave me alone because with him contacting me in any way (I'm not talking about CL as he didn't know it was me that posted the ad) that it's hindering my ability to move on completely. I still miss him terribly but it's like when I decide I'm doing okay, he pops back up again and it's making me super depressed and suicidal. I get upset because he's the only guy I've ever wanted something real with and he walked away from me. He always said that it wasn't me but I'm still left with a broken heart. I fucking miss him and would give anything to see him, to hug him...to feel his lips on mine. I wish he was mine again.

I was pretty quiet again at work yesterday. I just have days where I'm not into it. I still felt like shit, was thinking about my ex and just wanted to go home. I'm also sick of not getting to clock in right away too. I'm just so tired of that life sucking dump that I could puke. I'm so tired of all the people I work with, I'm tired of being there, I'm tired of knowing I'll never move up and make real money, I'm just fucking tired of it all.

Oh! I have an interview on Wednesday morning at 11:30 for a new place that's opening soon. My job doesn't know about that and I don't plan to mention in until I get hired and I put my 2 weeks notice in. I'm not sure if I'll get it or not but I will have to make sure I'm not going from bad to worse, that they understand I will be starting classes again in 2 months and that I want to eventually be a manager or at least get raises. I will let them know what I need and see how that goes. I can be kinda choosy considering I already have a job.

I'm so glad I'm off work today and tomorrow. I'm super tired of being at work all the time so it's nice to get a break. I have to go to Curves here in a new minutes and then have to run some errands. I'm hoping to get a nap in considering I got up super early this morning. I've been eating a lot healthier the past couple of days and I'm already noticing a change on the scale. I'm just worried that I'm gonna get discouraged if the weight doesn't come off as fast as I want it too. I know that I'm on the right track though. Yesterday was my first day not having soda and the only sugar I had was some ice cream. I just have to remember to take it one day at a time or else I'll get overwhelmed and give up.

I just wish I knew what to do about everything. I don't like having tension at work and I'm now regretting emailing my ex. I know better than to stir up that can of worms but it's not like I told him I wanted him back or anything. I set boundaries and if he can't deal with it then he knows to leave me the fuck alone. He was everything I wanted and I just wish I could have that again. People tell me that I need to just take time to heal but then those same people tell me that I need to find someone new. I'm not doing nearly enough of both I guess. It's hard to move on when I know where my heart is. It's hard to think of being with someone new.

Work is pretty much miserable. Things are really starting to get to me and it's hard to be in a good mood when I'm there. I feel like I'm bringing everyone down because I'm super quiet. I just have those days where I don't feel like talking. It doesn't always mean I'm in a bad mood either. Sometimes I just don't have anything to say. I'm going to try and be a little more cheerful when I get to work on Sunday. It's just hard when there's always shit to bring me down.

Time to get ready to get shit done.