Today. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I had just left the conversation with my Mom up in the air yesterday. I sent an email this morning letting them know I wouldn’t be coming to my appointment and that I needed to reschedule. No sooner than they emailed back, my Mother had shown up. I sent her a message letting her know that I had cancelled my appointment and she can go. We left it up in the air and she didn’t bother letting me know at any point she would be coming to watch her so I really didn’t plan for her to show up.

I just don’t get why EVERY FUCKING TIME I need her to babysit there’s always gotta be some kind of game attached. I seriously don’t understand why it would be fun to put someone through this especially knowing I’m a single Mom and have plenty of fucking problems!!! I am just so fucking angry that I can’t even go to counseling because there’s no guarantee that I’ll have a babysitter!

All I know is I have a silver lining in my dark cloud with my daughter starting school next month. I will probably not have to worry about getting to appointments anymore and it’ll be really nice not having to deal with a bunch of shit asking anyone to watch her.

I walk a fine line between enjoying my time with her to constantly worrying about money and never getting to live outside the box. I feel like a walk a tight rope everyday. I’m also stressed because I have a very important thing coming up next month and I’m going to have to cancel that too.

It’s humbling, maddening, and depressing feeling like I’m just watching life pass me by. Everyday is the exact same thing. I’m honestly sick of looking at the inside of my house and I’m also really sick of the heat. After today it’s going to be cooler for a few days so I’m looking forward to that.

We went and get some groceries today and then just sat around watching tv. I feel bad that we don’t go do something every day but I can’t afford it and there isn’t always something to do. Even if there is, it’s always outside and it’s just too freaking hot.

I think my Mom always intends to watch my kid but then because my Dad is a control freak that has learned how to manipulate and control her without being straight forward about it, she has learned to not go against him. He won’t come right out and say he doesn’t want her to babysit, he just tears up their house. Well, that’s coercive control at its finest. There is NO WAY I would EVER let a man run that shit on me.