Wowzers. in Since OD is shutting down....

Okay so I told my Mom about a week ago that I had my counseling appointment tomorrow at 10am. I ask her about it again today where she says that they have a bunch of errands to run and how she ‘forgot’ all about it. Then she asks if my daughter can just go with them and I of course say no. I am seriously sick of how she thinks I’m going to lower my standards based on my level of desperation needing a sitter.

So, I made a Facebook post asking if someone can watch her and there’s a girl that responded who actually watched her when she was a baby saying that she would. I don’t feel comfortable with it as she works from home and I worry that having my kid could get stressful, even though it would only be for 2 hours. I wouldn’t be able to relax and try to get everything out at counseling worrying that my daughter might be too loud or something. I appreciate the offer but it’s just too much to stress about.

I’m just feeling pretty angry today that I should have a partner in raising my child or maybe even a village consisting of even a couple of people and I don’t have shit. I can’t even prioritize my mental health and attend counseling because I can’t count on anyone to watch my kid. I understand why Mom’s are so angry, bitter, depressed, and just start feeling hopeless. I haven’t had a babysitter in quite some time and every time I ask my Mom, she agrees to watching her but then either doesn’t show up, goes MIA, my Dad or little brother make it hard for her to leave the house or something happens so she can’t. I think she fully intends to watching her but then she has to gauge how much shit is going to happen at home if she comes over here to watch her.

We have about 38 days until school starts. I feel like I’ve stressed more about money and trying to have some kind of break than anything. Not being able to work and make a living for my daughter has made me feel like a failure. Not having a Dad for her makes me feel like a failure. Not having a support system makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me and my daughter that no one is involved in our lives.

I’m angry that I want to make so many changes for myself, my health, and for my child but there’s nothing to help. I have no anchor. I feel like I am just a waste of air. I have no purpose. No one gives a fuck about my daughter or myself.

I also think about her starting school and feeling like I don’t know what to do with myself because I’m with her every minute of every day. I don’t have a clue what it’s like to be able to move around freely and just be able to go do my own thing and not have to worry about her every second. I’m just really depressed I think.

I really want to lose weight, eat healthier meals, start doing stuff for me and it’s just not feesable until my daughter is in school. I’ve been a single Mom since I day I had her and sometimes it really rocks me to my core that I have done it all by myself and on my own. I was so scared when I was pregnant and my kid’s Dad made me feel terrified. I was so alone. I went to almost every appointment by myself. Bought everything she needed by myself. Set up all her stuff by myself. Went to bed alone every night. He’s robbed so much from me and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to heal from it.