Emotions. in Since OD is shutting down....

I still don’t have a working phone. I have a bunch of calls to make, starting with scheduling my daughter’s check up and I want to get that done before school starts. I’m hoping by next week I’ll have my phone. Thank God for wifi or I’d be completely disconnected from the rest of the world.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my daughter starting Kindergarten and how exciting that is. I’m super happy and excited for her because she LOVES other kids and learning new things. It’s a huge milestone and definitely makes me think about how fast time has gone and that I’ve raised her without her Dad since the day I gave birth to her. It definitely makes me emotional. I absolutely hate how fast time goes.

It’s been rather boring the last couple of weeks because we haven’t hung out with my brother or been to his house and we don’t see much of my Mom. I wish there was more people to hang out with. We went to the lake yesterday and were there about 4 hours. I got a light sunburn and my daughter just got darker. She of course made a couple of friends and cried when it was time to go but then fell asleep pretty quickly in the car.

I’ve thought a lot about how I wish her Dad and I could reach a good place so he could be there for her first day of school but I also know that he would only be there to take pictures of her and post them on Facebook and then there’s the safety threat again and I definitely don’t want to worry about anyone knowing what school she attends. I understand that he isn’t concerned for her safety or he just doesn’t think about it but I’d rather just not have him there and it’s just another thing for him to miss out on.

Sometimes I think about how much of a mess he’s made of all this and it makes my stomach turn. I am sometimes so angry that this is her ‘Dad’ and that nothing is ever going to get any better, even for her sake. I saw a TT the other day about how deadbeat parents don’t have any self love or self worth so how can we expect them to give it to their children? I thought this was an extremely powerful message and I haven’t forgot about it. I am truly saddened for my child because she’s probably never really gonna know him.

All these deadbeats like to scream parental alienation but they don’t get that the kids get older and want to know why they are absent and unfortunately we have to give them an explanation. It’s crazy how they alienate THEMSELVES and somehow they point the finger at the parent that stayed and took care of the kids! They don’t get that we have to give them some kind of hard truth so that they understand!

He’s never going to take ANY accountability for not being involved. He’s even said he doesn’t pay CS because “you won’t let me see her” but he didn’t pay it even when I allowed the in and out. He is so fucked up in his own mind that it’s like his brain won’t let him feel logic, reality, or the fucking truth.

I’m also irritated when my brother CONSTANTLY has mentioned me being the bigger person. He doesn’t understand that I’ve done that for 5 years and that being the bigger person has probably made things worse for my child! I am NOT going to sit back and watch my daughter fall through the cracks of his crazy, negligent behaviors because other people think I need to keep proving that I’m the bigger person. Well, I’m burnt the fuck out of that. I’ve already allowed more than I ever should have and I refuse to ever do it again!

I don’t know how many times he’s seen her without paying because he beat the dead horse and said over and over and over and over again how I wouldn’t let him see her due to him not paying and I am not going down that fucking rabbit hole again. He just wants everything his own way regardless! I also think it’s bullshit that I said we need to make a parenting plan in writing and he was completely against that. Why? Wouldn’t you want a plan in writing so then if I actually did keep her away then that could be used against me?! Well, for this guy he doesn’t want anything in writing because then he would actually have to be a Dad on certain days and times and I’d be able to be kid free to do whatever I wanted. Basically, he would feel that would be him giving up control.

I accept that he’s not a Dad and I’ve had plenty of time to process my feelings with that. I accept that I will never see CS again. I accept that I’m going to be a single parent. I accept everything. What I won’t accept is this person using my child that I love and care about as a toy and only wanting her to help his own situation. He doesn’t care to see her or take her unless it’s to impress someone, get pictures and wanting her for a long period of time so he can have a really great excuse to stay unemployed.

Ugh anyways. More tomorrow.