Gotta love how it somehow falls on me in A new beginnging.

I love Jimmy Eat World, I have for a long time. I recently discovered that I am obsessed with the song, "let it happen." It is great.

I have been talking a lot with my therapist about "emotional cutting." Meaning I look for things that will hurt me. Like after I broke up with Josh I still went and looked at certain things, looking and looking so I would get that punch in the gut feeling. I got that wish freals yesterday.

It's fine. It was just anger. It was flooding of annoying texts from as recent as 3 weeks ago saying things like, "I love you, I can't believe things ended like they did. I want to marry you and have kids." Trust me, this was a humerus statement. But I replied with, "I'm finally blocking this number, please dont ever text me again."

It took me 3 years to reach out to Andrea, only to learn what I deep down assumed all along.

It's fine. I feel badly for this girl and I only hope that she is messed up somehow to the point where she will actually think he is a good guy. I mean that in a compliment type way.

Unfair is the last thing I am going to say about it. Because it is. For the last 2 years I have worked on myself, learned how to be alone and be Ok. Built the thing in my brain that has been missing since I was 16. Trust. The ability to trust people. to KNOW that I deserve someone who isn't a total piece of shit. I think that is all I felt I was worth for so long, and I just know better now. Most important of all, I know I can trust myself. What has that f-er done differently besides adding drug dealing to his resume? dugh

I am taking a 'mental health' day tomorrow. to justify it, I have a list of things I want to get done. On that list is FINALLY setting up online dating. I dabbled last year and hated it. But, with my work schedule, the lacking of meeting someone at work or thru friends, I;m throwing my hands up and going for it again. Do you want to know why I have waited so long to get back into it? Because the fear of someone seeing me on it and then going back and being like, "dude I saw your ex gf on this site, what a fucking loser."

I know. I KNOW! It's irrational thinking and absurd. Welcome to my head.

Running...running HAS become my thing. It is just great. I have logged over 20 miles in the past 3 weeks, and it has just felt friggen great. I received REAL running shoes for an early bday present and man oh man. Kelly Jo (therapist) asked me what went thru my head when I ran. Easy question, but hard for me to answer. Today I realized what the answer was. Nothing. I don't think about anything. I am fully absorbed into the music and I let it just kind of take over me. That's why my playlist was a big deal to create. I can't just listen to whatever, I need it to make me lose myself. After this week, the runs become longer and harder (that's what she said), so I am nervous for that, but hey, that's what I have been working for, right? I ask myself why I didn't start sooner. But, I didn't have the drive that I have now. Mentally, I mean.

*Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk

Gotta love how it's somehow all on me

All the petty scenes

And all the pretty things

Say whatever you want

'Cause I can laugh it off.

I can laugh it off.*