Mood Poisoning in Current Events

I’m pretty sure that I have a slight concussion from hitting my head on something at work. I have a permanent headache but I also get hit hard with fatigue throughout the day. It knocks me out. I’m okay though. The incident happened on Thursday.

My mood yesterday was atrocious. I pushed through. I went for brunch with the girls. I passed out for four hours the moment I got home. I barely made it home. I barely made it to my bed. I had the sheets in the wash. I just flopped on it and was out. I woke up with drool all over my face. That’s new and gross.

Today I took my car in because I noticed that it was leaking. The mechanic is pretty sure that I am about to spend $120 to learn that my AC produces condensation. Whatever.

It’s hot and humid today. I was supposed to go to the beach but I don’t have my car right now. Maybe I will later. Toni turned off the AC and opened her bedroom window. Why does she always need to do the dumb thing? She assigned herself the hydro bill so that she could try and get it to be as small as possible, I assume. I am left with the internet bill. Also with Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Amazon Prime Music. She signed me up for Amazon Music through the TV. She got us Disney+ at least.

I’m getting flashbacks of her financial abuse from when we moved in. She said that she would pay the first month’s rent because she was desperate to move. She would cover the damage deposit also. I never held her to it but she insisted. Our electric bill wanted a $200 security deposit. She said she would cover that. She said that I would buy all of the groceries and she would pay half. I’m the one who gets the groceries, alone. Puts it all away, alone. Tracks it all, alone. She also said that we would split everything down the middle, we had nothing when we moved in. Very little at least. This is after she told me that she had it all. Then decided it would be too hard to dig it out so she just left me to supply everything. Then she said that we would no longer split groceries. Then she said that we would split groceries again but to send her the bill at the end of the month, forcing me to carry that financial burden until the end of the month. There were a million things in between, naturally.

Then, the first and only time that I open up to her, my grandmother was in the hospital, she blows up at me and turns the whole evening into the world owes Toni show. Suddenly I’m not paying my share in rent. She had zero memory of telling me to take everything out of what I sent her. This made her believe that I was short-changing her. It was bullshit. She was the one who owed me, as I eventually showed her. I kept every receipt. $1400 she owed me. I waved it. She still wanted me to carry the groceries until the end of the month. I think not. I take it out of what I send her for rent biweekly. I need to protect myself from this drunk pothead.

I am left with all of the cleanings to do today. She went to her gym class. The apartment is a mess. This isn’t the worst living situation I’ve been in but I do need to get up the nerve to communicate with her. It’s going to suck because this is a woman who does not like self-awareness. She is the one who explained to me how she feels like she is still a child. I absolutely see it. She has fried her brain or something. I honestly don’t think that she is an intelligent person. An intellectual, sure, but she cannot produce an original thought. Just in regards to anything. She always does the dumb thing, says the dumb thing, believes the dumb thing, and thinks the dumb thing. If she doesn’t understand something then that means it is dumb and not her. That is the lowest level of thinking possible. She is not even a Gen X cable news cultist. It’s hard to witness an adult be this dumb. We all have a responsibility to be intelligent. She has toxic codependence and is plagued with loneliness because nobody is meeting her needs. She won’t even think for herself. How do people just exist like this as adults?

I am out-picturing my own insecurities about this, of course. I could not love myself if I was that dumb, dull, and dependent.

I failed miserably in my assignments from my life coach. I will try and get it all started today. Procrastination be like that. Whatever.

I think my mood is related to my head injury. It’s purely toxic. I will get it under control. I suppose that I should start with my day now. I am at least alone for a bit. I haven’t been able to do a coffee enema for a couple of weeks now. Toni’s new work schedule leaves me with very little alone time. I will try and aim for it tomorrow.

Whatever, on with my day I suppose.