Loving Prayers Surround Me in Still Listening to Spirit

I have sincerely and with tears come to OD for years to add what comfort and strength I could to those I love here when they encounter challenges way beyond what I have had to bear. As well, I have felt I was able to encourage and cheer on those whose troubles I have encountered by telling my story and affirming their feelings.

I felt my words, prayers and heartfelt love were inadequate to sooth or comfort. It seemed words couldn't begin to comfort as much as a face-to-face hug, a cup of tea over tears, and being able to physically help in some small way.

Now I come here as a recipient of those loving thoughts, kind words and heartfelt prayers and I find I was so, so wrong. The words are not inadequate when they come from a place of knowledge of who I am and the loving relationships I have developed on OD and here as well. The outpouring of sympathy, in some cases empathy at having experienced what I am now, love, prayers all give me so much support.

I am uplifted in your prayers, I FEEL them surrounding me. The outpouring of love and support assures me that you all have my back. Even so far away, you all are as close as my computer. Here, with me, loving me.

Those words, that seem so paltry and inadequate when you write them mean more than you can ever know. I hope you all know this. I am telling you now, so write it down. Your notes to me are important, your words are adequate. They come from your heart straight to mine. So continue on.

Also, write more about your own lives. Write more often. This connection is important. It is important for me to document my life by writing here. It helps me resolve big and small issues that I can't seem to 'see' any other way than to write. Further, each time YOu write, I am struck by a truth I was not aware of in my own life or as regards the world and Universe around me.

Bill has more energy today and he is sucking down milk shakes and cheesecake filling (it is after all the reason we eat cheesecake--not the graham cracker crust but the filling itself), ice cream bars and he is willing to try a sandwich later today.

As to what he wants to 'do'. We have discussed only the immediate plans for the trip to Juneau and what needs to be done before we go. He talked to is sister today to tell her what was really going on as I didn't tell her the results of yesterdays' visit when she called.

He told her our short term plans. Then he told her if he finds out it is past surgery and any chemo or radiation is recommended---he isn't going to do this. He said he watched too many, and heard of too much suffering involved in what is a losing fight for more life--extending it with pain and weakness and suffering beyond what he would choose to do to have a few more days, weeks or months.

Bill told his sister he wanted no arguments about his decision, his life, his decision. He said if it is as he expects, he wants to concentrate on making certain all legal and property issues are arranged so I have ownership by myself alone so I don't have to have any court bullshit.

So, there's an idea of what he is thinking now. I am going to spend the rest of the day not thinking. I have a good book to read, my computer to play on, Bill to talk to and take care of, TV stuff to numb out. It is 4:11pm, I have been up once at 4am, once at 5:50am, once at 6am and for good at 9am. Other than paying some bills by phone, I have mostly rested too. Bill would not say what I have been doing is rest, popping up and down to wait on him, let the dogs in and out, etc.

Oh, and I talked to Jaime this morning at 7am because Heath's phone went right to voicemail. I told her what was going on. I told her we would know more after the trip to Juneau. She said "Don't worry, your job will be here, we can get along."

I said "Jaime, I want you to know that I understand there is friendship and there is business. I want and need to work at least 4 hours a day. But I will completely understand if Heath needs to replace me. I want your business to succeed, I want to be a part of that success. But if I am not contributing to that positively, I understand if you can't keep me."

I told Bill this and he was shaking his head YES, YES as I was talking I told him I had to do this for my own pride--I don't want a pity job, someone keeping me on when it is not a benefit to them. He, being the person he is, understands completely.

So, that is all the news that's fit to print from Our Town, My House, today. I gotta go get the dogs in cause they are barking (again). I did find out that the cop shop will be happy to have me come in and take the eye test for a drivers' license. If I can pass that, then I can take the written and driving test and get a license. So I will do that some other day.

Blessed be!