He gave his honest answer in Journal 2022

It’s my personality.

I try to hard, I’m too insecure and he thinks I didn’t actually care.

When I heard the not caring about our relationship part, I admit, I choked up a bit and wrote five different replies before giving up.

I’ve been told a lot that I have a very cold, mean personality upfront. I tried to be as open and happy with him as possible.

And I needed to hide my true feelings it seemed. I’m not gonna say I cried because I didn’t, I teared up because my feelings hurt and what you guys said was the truth.

I don’t know why this happens, maybe I am the problem here. I always thought people who have this happen alot are the problem and I guess that’s true.

My personality sucks, I try to hard, I’m to insecure, I don’t care and I blame it all on him and he didn’t even feel all in when we started dating.

I talked to Sam and Isaac and Naturi and many others about how I’d wait if he had wanted before we started dating.

I feel really bad because I feel like I forced somebody into a relationship and hurt them. I feel really, really bad.

I took some medicine as I started to feel sick and like my head was throbbing. I took a shower and distracted myself with reality tv like before.

All I could think about was what he said about me not caring. It hit me pretty deep, because I do care, I cared so much.

I just…I don’t have a personality that people like I guess. This really hurt me and I found myself unable to talk to Sam or Isaac or anyone I’m friends with for now.

Mom kept asking if I was okay (I had gone from excited to eat sugared fried tortilla to being very mute and serious) but I lied and said I was just full.

It didn’t help I saw a video on YouTube about levels of delusion and romance was one of them. Like for fucks sake. All my insecurities came back full force and I just felt like the worst, ugliest, worthless, useless woman in the world.

Joseph’s a great person but he sounded so sick of me, so disgusted and upset I felt really bad as I’ve mentioned before. I hate thinking about what he said as it makes me tear up because it was rather blunt and I would have honestly preferred if he spit in my face or just slapped me.

That way, the pain would only be temporary. He’s a good person who probably, no definitely deserved better. I feel bad.

People like me don’t deserve relationships or to even be seen that way. I don’t want to show my face anywhere, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I feel so disappointed in myself.

I let myself down alot. I did it again.

I really did disgrace myself here. I felt like a idiot and like a piece of shit. Like, I didn’t know what to say in response as I say that to myself everyday, mentally.

And ofcourse the Georges didn’t argue with me when I eventually hid in my room as they are just stuffed animals. And if they could talk not just in my head, they’d be upset with me to.

I should’ve even be crying, I’m the bad person here. It’s pathetic and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.