He texted me ^^ in Journal 2022

I need to write a big entry this morning so I’m sorry if alot is going on.

I got attacked by a bee and it flew in my breasts 🙃. But besides that little five second panic of me screaming and tearing at my clothes, that day was good.

So....there was a scare that I got doxxed. I was so stressed, I starred sweating really bad and I felt sick to the bottom of my stomach. I didn’t know enough else to to turn to at the time, besides Joseph.

Now I can already hear people saying “not wtf AGAIN” but it’s not like that we are still exes. Joseph is just someone I felt needed to know because like if someone got my private info that puts his at risk.

And I understand people think Joseph isn’t the best guy from my entries now or they think I’m a bad person towards him. My own friends/somewhat friends have voiced their own thoughts on our friendship and dating and such.

I just needed comfort and admittedly I felt neglected. You have to understand when I get upset I tend to want instant relief. I felt like I was gonna burst. I was comforted eventually and Joseph really was there for me, he handled it for me.

And I am okay with that, I’m fine with that. I get that I have to get used to that not being the norm anymore. I remember weeks ago my thoughts and emotions on the matter. I felt like he threw me away, I still do I am sorry Joseph as I know you read my entries.

I can’t help that, I have a very close minded way of processing those type of events. However, I still live Joseph and I crave his attention and praise and overall acceptance. I had feelings for him for nearly two years, those can’t just go away.

Do I think Joseph is toxic? I’m asked this alot and I don’t think so. In my eyes, he’s loving and protective. I appreciate it and I’m grateful, I feel bad honestly just not wanting to write those things. But I want to be accurate in my emotions.

I feel lonely alot. I feel unwanted more and more in real life. Sometimes, I wonder if maybe if I had died when I was younger it would have left my family or loved ones better off. When I say Joseph is the only one who “loves” and I do not mean oh my god I’m some unwanted child locked away in a closest and fed scraps of potato skins.

No, I mean, romantically and emotionally, I feel that way. To have someone actually listen to me talk for hours and actually care is a shock. To have someone to think my hobbies are interesting and genuine is like word shaking. Life changing type deal.

I do get I get like super attached fast. But I genuinely like he cares and voices it. I am attracted to peoples personalities and morals before looks and besides I’m only really into woman look wise.

But I just wanted to voice that as I know in future entries he and I will be mentioned and yes I’m still mad I got broke up with and yes I’m still upset and hurt but yes I can talk to him and be affectionate with knowing my boundaries.