Miserably depressed. in Since OD is shutting down....

Things have been pretty awful for me lately. I'm hating my job and completely miserable there. I've been putting in applications online and going to do a couple of more before I have to be there today. I'm tired of being ignored, shit on, unappreciated and brought to tears every day I'm there. I just can't take it anymore and it's time to get into something else. I just can't handle being there at this point. I don't know if it's just because my co-workers are fucking retards or maybe I'm just there too much but I'm thinking it's time to move on. I can't even enjoy life outside of work because I'm constantly dreading having to be there.

I have an appointment at Curves in a couple of hours. They are going to show me how to do the machines and what not. It's only like $40 a month and seems like it would be a better workout then just walking on a treadmill like I would do if I went back to the YMCA. I called them and they want $97 to start and that's just insane. I just don't feel comfortable spending that much money considering I haven't been to the gym in at least a year and I don't know how much I'll be able to go, especially until I get used to it again so I don't want to spend more than I have to. I'm pretty excited at the thought of doing something different for once and hopefully it will be my start to getting healthy.

I need to turn in my financial aid form either today or tomorrow. I think I'll just accept all of it so that I can pay my car off and pay some bills ahead like car insurance. I just worry about having to pay it all back but right now, I can't see past paying off my car and having that burden off my back. It really bothers me not owning my vehicle. That is something that's incredibly important to me and I just want to own the thing that's most important to me.

I'm really hoping that things are going to get better. Either I find a new job or things will start to improve where I'm at. I've been there for 8 months and I used to believe I loved it but now I wonder if I believed that because I felt stuck there. I still feel stuck there and will until I get a new job but things don't feel as grim. I just feel so unhappy there and it's making me feel unhappy in every other aspect of my life because I have to work, I have to make money but I want to be happy doing it. I'm tired of the same shit everyday where there's always something to piss me off or make me cry. I just don't think for minimum wage that it's worth it. I've been there for 8 months and STILL have yet to say a raise and more than likely never will.

I've still been eating unhealthy shit and actually considered buying a pack of cigarettes last night. I didn't but I'm scared that if I stay this depressed, anxious, and upset that I will break down and buy some. I just don't have or do enough to manage my stress and I know smoking isn't the answer but I feel like if I don't do something, I'm going to fucking snap. I'm tired of working with stupid people and people who just don't give a fuck about anything.

My parents are still struggling financially. I really wish my Mom would get a fucking job. They are always bugging me to bring them food from my work and even when I've said I couldn't, they will still ask me to. I just get tired of them constantly bugging for a fucking hand out. I'm sorry that they aren't doing well right now but there's nothing I can do. I'm fighting everyday just to want to go to work that I can't imagine helping them too. I would lose my fucking mind or what's left of it. I really wish they would get their lives together and start being adults.

I feel extremely suicidal because of my job. Because I feel trapped. I would like to hurt myself. Off myself. Most of the time I just feel so invisible, so unimportant. I don't feel like anyone really cares about me unless they need something. I don't feel like anyone cares about me for me but because they have to pretend they care because they'll need me later. I don't feel like anyone has any regard for me and it makes me want to die. I just don't feel like anyone cares.

I don't choose depression. I want to be happy but I don't know how to make that happen when my job brings me down on the daily. I don't feel like I can be happy when my job makes me so miserable. It's hard to concentrate on anything other than wanting to be happy where I work and trying to lose weight. I feel like this is the only job I can handle physically because of my health issues and it's hard to stay standing for hours at a time because of my sciatic nerve and plantar fasciatis. I just have feel like I will never be completely happy until I can start having complete control over my diet and exercise.

It also scares me because people have told me that you can't lose weight unless your happy and I know I'm not. I want to be but I doubt that counts. I just feel like I can't do everything I want to do either because of time, chance, or lack of energy. I need a new mindset and a new job. I'm sick of being miserable. I'm sick of giving my all and getting shit in return. It's frustrating to want to be happy at work and it's like that place just sucks what happiness I could ever have for it out of me. I just feel like it's a life-sucking shit hole where I'm never going to advance, get a raise or have anyone treat me like an actual human being. I just don't get how they treat everyone like shit and then wonder they they have such a high turn-over rate.