Maybe I'm Unloveable... in Just Moments

~I’m in a very strange mood tonight. I’ve been thinking a lot about maybe getting back out there into the dating world. I haven’t dated since 2016. Since I got raped. Understandably my trust in men has not really been in a great place since then. Have I been able to be with guys since? Yes. But the catch is the few have all been either guys I had been with before that time, or someone that really got to know me without the pretense of being in a relationship and we had one special night together. I titled this diary as Just Moments. And in this respect, my life has always just been a few random moments with different guys. And in those moments I feel so alive, but when they are over I’m also glad. It just doesn’t make any sense. I want to be loved and desired, but at the same moment I want my freedom and space. I want to come home to someone but I also want a home to myself. How can I have these conflicting thoughts all at the same time? Nothing adds up.
~This is why I’ve decided to remain alone for the most part. I just don’t want to drag someone in and break their heart. I know how it feels to have a broken heart. I don’t want to be the cause of that to someone else. I’m also not sure I’ll ever be able to truly love again. Even with my family I sometimes don’t feel anything. It just doesn’t make sense. Like there is some impenetrable wall around my heart that constricts any feeling. I rarely truly care about anything anymore. I rarely feel passionate about things. I have moments of course but nothing where it’s long lasting.
~So tonight as I sit in my living room, I have conflicting thoughts. Tonight I wish I wasn’t alone. Tonight I wish that someone was waiting for me to come to bed. Someone would put his arm around me and tell me everything is going to be ok, that no matter what we will figure things out together. Will I feel this way tomorrow? I don’t know. I wish I had a magic 8 ball that would tell me the future in simple yes, no, or try again later answers.
~But alas, we all know if life were that easy it would be boring. And who really likes boring?
~Maybe someday I’ll find love. Maybe I won’t. But tonight I feel unlovable.