butterfly effect. in Journal 2022

That’s it that’s the title.

I was talking to Joseph and I just felt something come over me. This feeling of emptiness, this feeling of pure nothing.

I haven’t been having a good few days and I just wanted to stop talking. I just wanted to walk out somewhere and sleep for hours.

I felt that with Calin, that complete shift in emotions and love. I still love Joseph, but I’m not a idiot. He’s moved on, clearly.

I’ve been doing some soul searching, thinking and pondering. I could be anywhere, I could be any reality right now.

In another reality, in another world I’m happy. Another world I could be with Joseph or anyone really. I could be.

Would I want that, in this reality? The clock is ticking, its been three years almost. I sit in bed and think about it.

The butterfly effect is very powerful. Choosing to answer Joseph’s initial message, choosing to join that forum led to this.

And choosing to befriend Sam and Isaac led to me well, being someone who believes in the butterfly effect.

And since I believed in the butterfly effect, led me to meeting Kaguya and her sister. Or Serenity.

Kaguya or well, Serenity, told me I had to be open in communication with Joseph. But I kind of ignored her and look where I am now.

But anyway, back to what I was saying. Meeting and dating Joseph was one path I took that led down to this so I can’t really be mad at anyone for how it turned out.

I have been just thinking about what past me would do in this situation. Would I have moved on quickly? Would I have left first? It’s endless.

I’m 19 now, everyone and everything will abandon me eventually. I’ve talked about suicide here alot and while one might think I’m alluding to that, I’m not.

I could go away emotionally and mentally. I could do it, I already have multiple times.

It’s just very hard age wise now. Man, it’s hard these days. I don’t know how to feel or what to think.

I’m really alone here, yes people reach out but I’m alone at the end. This is a hard life changing situation.

How many of my “friends” have…and I’ve not cared? Plenty, it’s not like I can explain it. If someone where to found out about it all and confront me.

If someone where to read my entries and piece together who I am, would I enjoy it now? I don’t really know.

I’ve been hiding so much from my in real and on line family friends whatever. Hime, HIME of all people reached out to me and seemed to hopeful in me.

It was hard to not tell the truth. I’m a great liar when it comes down to it. It’s crazy, it really is.

Last night I meditated for the first time in months. I felt good, I felt there. I wonder that time I was nearly gone and I stopped, I panicked and stayed home if that was the right choice.

I was 17 at the time and if I had done it, who knows. Who really does.