2am virtual trip to Poland in Stories to bide the time.

Half our team is in Krakow and this insane deadline is still looming over us like a dark cloud filled with pus and rats and purple lightning cancer.

So After working nine straight hours from 9-6, then eating dinner, then hopping back on from 8-9, then checking in at 11 to verify some work a developer had just completed. I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep before waking up again at 2am to start delegating tasks to some of the Polish team so we could have some feature complete work ready for QA by the morning.

The great part is that when the morning rolled around (the time is now) the entire build on Staging broke so the work I had tasked out was blocked, and I basically woke up in the middle of the night for nothing.

Riveting, I know…but this is all consuming for me right now, so I’m typing it out because I just need to type it out. I’m sorry, this part really wasn’t for anyone else’s enjoyment. I should put a trigger warning up there or something. Like, “Hey, do you hate being bored? Well then TRIGGER WARNING: BORING CONTENT AHEAD”

That’s how trigger warnings work, right?

I actually just unfriended someone on social media who’s had it coming for quite some time now, but the last straw was when she posted something about child molesters, so then I commented back something about child molesters, and she was like, “WHAT THE FUCK?!?! YOU NEED TO GIVE ME A TRIGGER WARNING BEFORE YOU GO POSTING STUFF ABOUT CHILD MOLESTERS! I WAS MOLESTED!”

I was like, “Uh…you literally just posted something about child molesters, without a trigger warning, and I was just replying…in context…here’s a trigger warning for you: GO FUCK YOURSELF”

Double standards are fun.
Man, I remember when “woke” used to be a term that was intrinsically bound to a spiritual awakening…becoming a kinder, more tolerant person. Becoming the best version of yourself.
But just like everything…the masses fucking ruined it.
I’m so woke, I actively try to increase my carbon footprint in the hopes that humanity dies faster.
I got your back, Gaia.

Anyway…

Last night while I was inbetween work, I hit the treadmill and took this book with me. It’s all about how to deal with and squash intrusive thoughts. It’s pretty amazing.
I ended up reading it for another 40 pages or so after I was done with the treadmill. I really like what I’m reading so far. It’s put a lot of stuff into context for me.
I’m hoping by the time I get finished I’ll be handle these thoughts because I seriously can’t take it anymore…one in particular.

Every single day I am obsessed that this is going to be the last day I live. Or the day I die. I dunno…it’s just this…feeling that follows me around, these thoughts, I am going to die any second now. And maybe that’s why my son is clingy with me? Maybe he knows his dad is going to die any day now so he’s trying to get as much time with me as possible?
And then that thought breaks my heart

But see…I can now sit here and logically recognize this as an intrusive thought that holds no merit. I think I’m going to have a heart attack, or something…but heart attacks don’t run in my family.
But I think, “Well, ever since Covid I have had a tightness in my chest”
But also, since covid, I have been to the doctor for a physical and she said that my heart was fine, except that my blood pressure is slightly high, but I can fix that with exercise and losing weight, because I am overweight.

I’ve never been overweight before and I’ve never had high blood pressure before.
So since last night I’m trying to remind myself…I’m not dying. I feel bad because I haven’t been taking care of my body. If I start taking care of my body, I can feel good again.

So last night for dinner we had steak and broccoli
My wife just found out she has gestational diabetes (she had this with our son too) so we decided no more takeout, we’re cooking at home, we’re doing the gluten free low carb low sugar thing…basically going back to paleo. We felt so good when we were doing paleo.

But honestly, living in San Diego…being surrounded by the worlds best Mexican food (Yeah, Mexico, I said it) it’s hard not to just go eat Mexican food all day every day.

But we’ve got this.

Tonight we’re doing lettuce wrapped burgers, 50/50 lean beef and mild Italian sausage mix. The Italian sausage helps the lean beef not taste like lean beef. (But Dane, isn’t that counter-productive) and to that I say, “NO! It’s a SPICY-A-MEAT-A-BALL” (oh my god, that’s so racist against Italians)

We’re going to throw some provolone cheese and basil on that hot mama, too, with some pesto…oh whaaaaat? You can just do that?
YEAH
You can literally do anything you want!
No one will tell you this, but you can.
You can go to the park and just take a fucking duck if you can catch it.
You can literally do anything.

Oh yeah…I skipped ahead towards the end of this intrusive thoughts book and I noticed this section that was like, “When to seek professional help” so my curiosity forced me to read it. And the last section was like, “If you experience ‘Agitation’ you should seek immediate help, it is a sign of something more serious, like bipolar disorder” and then it went to list out what constitutes “agitation” and I was like....”yup…that’s me…so…does this book not help me then, or…?”

So you know
Maybe I’m fucked?

Yo ho
Ya scurvy scalliwags
Until next time
I love ya like I love my momma and my rum
And treasure
And eye patches
- Dane