but why? in Second 1st

Did a few dashes and ended up in a whole other area. Decided to go home being as there weren’t any orders up in my area. I’d planned on a bit of a refresh but Rocky is up now. So, I threw the laundry in the dryer, put my drink in the fridge and I’m now trying to remember where I was going with the partial thought....

The therapist Rocky looked up is still here on my computer. He hasn’t called.... but neither have I.

Jake asked me how I got here.... Why I am here.... and I had to take some time to think.... and make it not so obvious I was texting something heavy and extensive. I’d gotten the question while walking around Wal-Mart getting groceries and responded in the bathroom after putting them away.

I don’t deserve something like others have. Why not? I am bigger than I”m comfortable with. I get a stray hair on my chin, bushy eyebrows, and what some may call a mustache .... I don’t have a backbone.... my eyes aren’t pretty enough.... I’m not smart enough.... I have harder trouble thinking about reasons I do deserve more. So, the 2 guys before Rocky that I’d dated sold drugs.... Rocky was sunshine in rain. Was he the best choice ever, maybe not. Was he the best in recent history, Hell yeah.... did he meet most of the requirements I’d set for a SO… YES.

Then, the best option as the line was reduced.... or what seemed like a line at the time.... you know “If you weren’t dating him I would like to”.

Then we got married, did I want to do that, not really. My ideas about marriage have changed over the years and I would have preferred to just have stayed together and never get married. I didn’t want him to leave me. He’s a good guy ya’ll......... a bit childish, inexperienced, and he doesn’t listen.... I would say hard-working but if ya’ll have been here when he wasn’t.... He’s not a bad guy. He just hasn’t given me what I need most. It’s okay, I’ve never deserved it. I’m not 100% worth the effort.

I can’t do what’s expected of me. .... I am less than I want to be and no matter how I try I can’t.... and I got there from hearing it. So, I work hard to be someone Rocky would never leave. I became everything he needs till he needs nothing else. I have done all this to myself. If you’ve read me over time you’ve seen it. I take care of the bills, what gets paid when, we need x and this is how I’m going to get it, housekeeping.... I don’t ask much from him.....

What I need… someone who will ask for directions, be in charge a bit.... and he will do that for me if I need it. He makes calls when I get too anxious …and the like. Obviously affection and time together that I don’t get.....

Then time passes and the illusion of all the things I need is staring back at me. I say illusion only because I can’t prove it true. Every situation in which this illusion has been standing in front of me our situation has been the most important thing.... rather than say buying a house together. .... or general life issues… like my surgery.... This illusion has never had the chance.

Would it be better than just moving through life as I’m doing now.... I can’t say.... I like to think so as that fuels an imagination I have not had since .... since meeting Rocky.... the idea that maybe I do deserve more.... better… that there is more to my life than being someone’s mother.

Did I ever actually think I would cheat on my husband..... not in a million years. Let’s wrap that up for now.... it is the core of how I got here and why I have stayed