Just why. in Since OD is shutting down....

So my car broke down last night. I think the shifter cable is bad. I was able to back out of the driveway but it wouldn’t go into any gear and wouldn’t even let me put it in park. Now, I get to figure out what it’s going to cost to fix it and find someone trustworthy. I posted an ad asking for someone to come look at it but then my anxiety convinced me that if someone comes, they are going to try and steal my car or rob me or do something equally as bad.

I don’t trust anyone for any reason and feel that everyone has motives. I haven’t gotten my hair cut in close to 2 years now because every time I want even just a trim, it ends with me having shoulder length or barely enough to put in a ponytail because bitches get scissor happy. I have laptops with viruses that need to be wiped but I don’t trust that whoever were to work on them wouldn’t log into my Facebook or other apps or worse, not give the damn things back. I don’t trust anyone with my car because I trusted a mechanic once that withheld my car from me for 2 months, even with payment.

As crazy as it sounds, I feel angry with the car for breaking down on me. It failed me. I know that it’s just a machine and things break but I HATE being in any position where I need other people. I can’t even buy new furniture or TV’s or anything that requires someone with a truck to haul as I worry the stuff wouldn’t be brought to my house. I don’t trust anything anymore and it’s becoming a huge problem.

The car still runs and drives but that cable could come off again and I won’t be able to move it. I know that it could end up getting towed at some point so I’m going to have to get something figured out because cars can’t stay if they are inoperable.

My Mom came for awhile today and then when we took her home, she asked us to come inside and I politely declined. I’m in no fucking mood to put up with my Dad’s weird bullshit. I will blow the fuck up.

I get that she doesn’t have boundaries with him because she never has but I refuse to allow this same toxic person to hurt my child the way he hurt me. I know that it’s definitely affected the flow of my life and my relationships with men and I’ll be damned if I allow him to harm my child. I’m not going to sit out at their house and worry about his behavior the whole time so that we can hang out with my Mom.