Con-Fi-Dence in Boredoms

One of my favorite words, that is. I can't even begin to guess how many times in my life I've been told I just need more of it. Sure, I suppose I do. It's not that I've never tried, though, which is what most people think. I just can't manage it because...well...I really don't have anything to be confident about. That's the key, isn't it? Focusing on the aspects of yourself that are positive and projecting that positive energy? What if you don't have anything to focus on, though? Do you just fake it? Isn't that just lying?

For an example, let's say I was at a bar intending to pick up a lady (Because I totally do that). I'm not much to look at/listen to/be with so I need to inflate my confidence game to overwhelm my potential date with. Now, if we're pretending this is me then this alternate reality version of me would have to fake this confidence pretty hard because he has nothing to build it up with. How is this different from, say, telling her I'm a millionaire heart surgeon/travel-adventurer? Granted, that's a bit more extreme an example but the point is that in both situations I'm misrepresenting who I am to fool someone for my benefit.

"Oh, but Brian," they say "you may have to fake it initially but eventually you'll come to believe it yourself and it will be real!" Am I seeing this wrong or is that not delusion? You want me to break my own concept of reality, a situation that often gets people a nice vacation to a mental health facility? But I can only ever come to accept this fake version of me as real if it succeeds enough. If there's one thing I've learned from past attempts to have confidence it's that it looks wrong. People can tell it's wrong, somehow.

I have low self-esteem, that's obvious, but it's not wrong. I think some people have an instinctual reaction when they see that to correct it. As if it's wrong for anybody to have a low opinion of themselves. The fact is, I don't have a low opinion of myself...it's a correct opinion of myself. I've lived with me for almost 30 years now, I know what I'm capable of and I've started coming to terms with it. Not every human is meant to be a shining beacon of happiness and success. It sucks, but there are humans on this earth who simply aren't meant for anything. If you're someone who believes in a higher power you likely disagree and you're welcome to. I know in my heart that there's nothing out there watching over us and guiding us for some purpose just as sure as you know the opposite.