Too Busy to Grumble in Still Listening to Spirit

Oh my, yes I am. Too busy to grumble. Too busy to sit on my pity pot. Too busy to do much except that which is in front of me. This is really so good for me. The tools I have in my toolbox are well used over the years--all those things I learned in AA and from my many friends--those tools.

There are things, sayings, slogans, reminders that I hear and acknowledge these are wise and should be used to enrich my life. Over the years, I hear them over and over. Then one day, the penny drops, the lightbulb moment happens and I really, really get it.

I get it, I use it, it becomes an integral part of my life and my being and I am so much better for it.

The "Do what's in front of you". The "Live in the moment". The "you have only the present, the moment -- life it!" Those slogans, sayings, wisdoms finally, finally reside within me and I live them.

Bill's illness, my chaos at work, my illness, all of it and everything else I have been living these past few weeks have brought home to me that my life is better and more fulfilling when I am present, completely present.

There are always blessings and wisdom amidst the bad bits. And they are just 'bits' no matter how long they may last. This bit I am still living has brought more knowledge about how to be in the moment to me than I have ever recognized before. This recognition, enlightenment, doesn't always happen. For me it has.

Surprisingly enough, this sort of live life to its fullest, stay in today, BE present hasn't come because Bill might have died. It came because I had to take action. I had to do things I haven't done. Thrown into independence on a high level I have many many people to call on. I stubbornly have so far decided not to.

I am reminded living sober after I got out of treatment in 1988. I found a new place to live, I moved a whole household of furniture including appliances almost single handedly with a borrowed pick up and my daughter to carry on one end furniture that wasn't too heavy for her as she was pregnant.

Once moved, I even dug a hole for a umbrella like clothesline contraption, cementing it in with a tin can in the midst of the concrete so the pole could rotate. Now that I think about it, why in the world did it really need to rotate, I could move around it.....

This insistence on doing the hard bits myself were a way of recovering my independence and empowering myself in my new, single life with a pregnant daughter. My employer of 3 years decided they didn't want me back sober--go figure that one! I found job, got myself and daughter settled.

All that was exhausting, so exhausting I had no time to think much about staying sober beyond making time for meetings.

Bill is better, I think. His cough now is wearing him out and I think I need to talk to Lynn, maybe even get him in there again for a recheck. I understand the pneumonia needed the cough to be loose and productive. Now I am not so sure as the toll it takes on his energy is a negative rather than a positive. He is better hydrated but food is still a huge concern.

I spent Sunday morning at work, my turn to be there to check in the renters of Jeeps supposedly from 7:30am to 9:30am. No one came until 11:30am... BUT I got the office reorganized as Lisa and I had discussed doing.

Lisa has a very small wooden desk, barely room for computer keyboard, monitor, telephone and inboxes. Behind Lisa was a wall with 2 file cabinets with a printer/fax atop them. She really needed more room to count money, spread out, become more organized. Plus the only locking file cabinet for cash money was stuck in a corner opposite her and she needed to get around me to get to it.

So, I put a nice sturdy folding table behind her, almost 6 feet of space, put the fax/printer atop that and the locking file cabinet next to it. Perfect for money counting and such.

I moved one file cabinet next to my desk, in a space where everyone could get to it and the other behind me against a bookcase--again where everyone can get to it without disturbing anyone else. I completely reorganized the shelving where radios, driver's boxes and paperwork are located, office supplies, all so organized and clean, finally.

I had the young man who was running the coffee bar Sunday morning help me scoot file cabinets out of the way, hold up printers, etc. to shove tables under---I didn't want to disconnect anything I didn't have to....

I got it all done, without tiring myself out too much. I was organizing bottom shelves, almost standing on my head of course, I stood up and the room swam, I stumbled, and didn't know whether to just sit on the floor before I fainted or what.

I hollered "Help!" (I had told the kid at the beginning that if he heard any odd noise and heard me holler 'help' he should come running...more as a joke than anything else).... Kid came running, I was leaning against a wall I had fallen into. He said "What should I do?"

I told him to grab the office chair in the corner and roll it over behind me so I could sit. He did then asked what else I needed. My bottle of water was on the counter outside the office and I asked for that. He got it and I told him thank you and he could leave.

Whew! I spent the rest of my organizing time--the shelves were left, sitting down doing that as much as possible. I dropped things on the floor several times and I merely rolled out of the way, called the kid, and had him pick them up. I DO know when to cry "uncle" and get assistance.

Bill's sister called 2 times when I was out, leaving messages each time. She is the one whose husband died recently and she is still emotionally fragile and is very worried about losing her brother Bill. Brother Bobby died in his sleep back about 6 or so months ago...

Bill talked to her a wee bit. He has been sending e-mails. I talked to her, she was crying. I let her cry assuring her that 'I'm sorry" was not something she needed to say to me because she was crying. I told her I was taking the very best care of him I could. She asked me in her wee small voice, soft and gentle, the way she talks, almost breathless at times "Is he going to die?"

I assured her as strongly as I could that he was too damn onery and stubborn to do anything like that over a cold/pneumonia. I told her I would call her with updates. I told her I loved her and it would all be okay when more time has passed and he has regained his strength.

So, here it is Monday morning. I need to go to the market before I go to work. It is 9:30am. I need to shower, dress, get a bus to the market and back home. Dolly was available Saturday to take me to the market and to get some movies at the video store. What a bust that was--no wonder I only rent movies once a year if that. The first one stopped in the middle. "Saving Mr. Banks" which I told Dolly was wonderful according to the previews I saw months ago also stopped in the middle. Dolly was watching it first and was going to pass it on to me....

I didn't even put the other 2 movies I rented in the machine. Why bother? If they didn't work all the way through it would just aggravate the hell out of me! I'll take those back today and try very hard to be gracious and not shove them up someone's ..... oh never mind, I'll be kind.

Off I go, shower, dress, market, home, then work. The cats are out of food completely as of a few minutes ago. Bill needs more gator-gag, and other stuff.

Oh, I found a recipe on FB for using rhubarb. I have grown it for years and never tasted it, ever. A 'crumble' cut up rhubarb on bottom of pan, 1 c sugar over thata, 1 3 oz pack of strawberry jello sprinkled over that, then a yellow cake mix. Then 1 cup of water and 1/4 c butter melted over top. Bake at 350 for 45 min, CRUMBLE!

It all worked out except the only pan I had to put it in my convection/microwave oven was a round spring-form pan. The water and jello and who-knows-what-else ran out the bottom and I ended up putting the half baked crumble into a round pyrex bowl to finish. It is VERY good, I like rhubarb. I have 3 whole big plants out front, look out, here comes the rhubarb recipes!

All is well. Thank you all so much for your notes of encouragement and your prayers. Blessed be!