6/9/14 in Letters To My Wife

Here it is, your first birthday in over 10 years that we are apart, and I am sitting up at midnight writing what will probably be the last entry I ever write in this book. I only write now because I feel bad for feeling what I feel. And since I know you won't be able to read this without going out of your way, I feel safe to tell you how I feel. You know, a person should try to live their life without regrets, and I honestly do think that you do not regret our time together. The problem is that, after alot of looking back on where I was then and where I am now, I think my biggest regret is that we got together. Its not that I regret our time together. You were the greatest love of my life. Sadly, you probably always will be. I don't have it in me to find someone else to be with me. I may be worth the effort to someone, but nowadays, I doubt there is a woman who would take the time until it is too late. So why do I regret us getting together? For the most fundamental of reasons: our relationship ruined our friendship. We will never be able to be friends the way we were before. I know you were hoping we would be, but it just won't happen. I am just too twisted and scarred to be the boy I once was. Admittedly, I might have still moved down here and maybe started something, but one thing I would definitely never do again is get married. Neither of us really wanted this in the end. We both thought it would be different things. You thought it meant kids and settling down and maybe being able to be a housewife. That is what you wanted. I just thought it was someone who would always love me and stick by me for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. But I don't blame you for how things ended. I can see how enough just became enough. I just wish you had found a better way to do it. The way it ended leaves alot to be desired. The reason I know this is going to be the last entry though is that, even though you offered to let me stay here and held off on the divorce so I would have insurance and be able to get through school, this living situation is not working. I can't stay here. I do love you, and I wish things were different, but being around you and W truly makes me hate life. The fact is that I will never be able to like him. After all, how could I like the guy you replaced me with when you said you would never do that and that you moved into our home after knowing him less than a month essentially? It just isn't going to happen for me and for alot of other people. I wish that was different, and that is why I am going to remove myself from everyone else's lives too. I refuse to let you use me as a reason why people disapprove of your relationship. So I won't get in the way anymore. I will find a way to be alone and hope things go back to the way they were before I was here. Perhaps one day, it will be like I was never here at all. That is all I can do for you at this point. I might be ok one day, I probably won't, but I want you to stop worrying about me. I only do this so that maybe, one day, you won't hate me anymore. So, at least here, this is goodbye. I really do hope you have a happy life. We don't all get one. I used to pray, back when things were good, that God would lay all of your troubles and hurts on me and let you be happy. Maybe now, those prayers are finally being answered. I will always love you but I just don't belong with you anymore.