Feeling guilty in A day in the life...

So I wrote a couple of days ago how Benny and I were having a better week this past week. Well, that was true...until yesterday. Yesterday that little boy was more obstinate and just downright defiant than I have ever seen him. He wouldn't do anything I told him to do and did everything I told him NOT to do. But this was the kicker - twice he intentionally peed all over the bathroom floor, and the last time he went to the bathroom he stuck a hand towel in the toilet. When I walked into the bathroom and saw the towel in the toilet I lost it. Benny had taken off running into the living room with his underwear in his hand, so his bottom was bare. I chased him into the living room and gave him a smack on his bare bottom. I didn't bruise him or anything like that, but there was a hand print that went away after about half an hour. That's why I'm feeling so guilty. I swore I'd never lay my hands on another person's child(ren). What I did to Benny was nothing I wouldn't have done to my own son had he done what Benny did...but Benny's not my kid. So aside from feeling horribly guilty, I'm also very pissed at myself for letting my anger get the best of me in that moment. I should have stayed in the bathroom and shut the door and took deep breaths until I was calm, but after listening to him tell me no all day and act like a little monster, and having to clean up pee twice, I just lost it. None of that is an excuse for what I did, though. What really got me was that even though I smacked his butt, right before he fell asleep on the recliner in the living room he hugged me and kissed me and told me he loved me. I am such an asshole.

I'm also exhausted. I literally work 7 days a week now. On Mondays I go and clean that house (the one where it took me over 6 hours to clean just the kitchen the first time); Tuesday through Saturday I watch Benny and Paulo; every other Friday evening I clean the office building, and on Sundays I watch Ben. But here's a funny thing - I was cleaning the office building this past Friday and I'm sweating up a storm and working my butt off, but while I was cleaning the upstairs bathroom I looked in the mirror and saw a seriously sweaty woman whose eyes were bright and alive! That dull, dead look was gone. So yes, I'm working a lot more and making a hell of a lot less than I did working a 9 to 5 office job, but I feel like life is worth living again....and that right there is priceless!

I was talking to the guy who owns the business/office building I clean while I was there on Friday. I was telling him that I really enjoyed cleaning more than babysitting and that I was hoping to find a few more cleaning jobs because making $5 an hour babysitting just wasn't enough money. The business he owns is a property services business....they offer to do anything and everything at your home or office as far as repairs, gutter cleaning, drywall, electrical work...pretty much anything you can think of. He told me that if I was serious about the cleaning thing that he could start marketing house/office cleaning services as well and that I would have all the cleaning work I wanted. He said we'd talk more about it on Monday, because he was getting ready to leave to go home. How awesome will that be if it works out??? If it does, then I could go back to working Monday through Friday and have my weekends free again (except for watching Ben on Sundays, but that's only until 2:30). I admit, I would feel guilty about Amanda having to find another nanny for Benny and Paulo, but here's the thing...I know money is tight for them, hence the reason they can only pay me $5/hour to watch 2 kids, but I also have bills to pay and prescriptions to fill. I'm also thinking that if they can't afford to pay more than $5/hour for someone to watch 2 kids then maybe Amanda needs to be a stay-at-home mom at least until Benny starts preschool or kindergarten. Amanda and Xavier are buying the home they're living in right now in a kind of "rent to own" way and I know they pay $1,400/month for it (she told me). I honestly think they bit off more than they can chew with it. Amanda came home from work on her lunch break one day last week to pick up their Xbox because they had to sell it (they needed the money) and some guy she works with bought it, and their cable was shut off all last week. It's an adorable home they have and it has tons of potential, but they can barely afford the rent/mortgage, let alone do any repairs/improvements to it (a lot of which wouldn't need to be done if they didn't have animals). They also don't take care of the yard and rarely take the garbage cans to the street. If you're not going to take care of a home, then why buy one? Rent an apartment or condo or townhome where you don't have to do repairs or take care of a lawn. Tony and I could rent a home if we wanted to but neither of us want to take care of a yard. And when we get to the point where we're ready to buy something it'll either be a condo or a townhome, something where we don't have to take care of the lawn. Some people love working out in their yard, others don't. Tony and I are the kind of people who don't.

After two weekends of missing church I was finally able to go last night...yay! It felt like coming home. The music was awesome, as always, and the service, as always, was amazing. I got to see and catch up with a lot of friends, and Mary and I grabbed a sandwich at the café in the church and got to chat. It really did my mood and soul a lot of good :-)

I didn't sleep good last night and had to be up by 7 a.m. today to watch Ben so I'm freaking exhausted....which is making me feel very anxious and panicky today. Ugh...I HATE this! I think I'm going to take my nighttime meds soon and go to bed really early because I have a therapist appointment at 9:45 tomorrow morning, then the house cleaning job. I tried to nap when Ben did earlier today but that was a joke. Either his arms or his head or his feet were in my back, so basically I was in bed to keep him from rolling out of it while he snoozed because he was moving around so much. Poor baby, he's not feeling well; that's why he was sleeping so restlessly. He's on antibiotics, which made for some fun diapers to change (gags).

I've been a diabetic for 23+ years, and recently parts of my feet have been feeling tingly and/or numb. If I'm getting neuropathy I am going to be PISSED! I exercise, I eat good, I've lost weight, my sugars are under good control....I don't want to have to deal with neuropathy! I guess we'll see what my endocrinologist says when I see her next month. If I am developing neuropathy then I may very well have to apply for SSD because between that and my mental status I don't know how much I'll be able to work. There's also a good chance I have gastroparesis...another fun thing diabetics can get. I have to have some studies done to see if I do have it. But I will keep exercising, though, because that will help keep the neuropathy from getting bad fast (if I do have it) and it's also good for me mentally. Diabetes sucks elephant balls. Oh well....until I see the endo I'll keep doing what I'm doing, which is staying as active and busy as possible.

I want to write more but I'm so tired that I'm having trouble putting two thoughts together. Time for bed, methinks.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend!

Much love....xoxo