I just want to wallow in my pity hole and do nothing in My life

I am just really sad and embarrassed. I try and try and never get the results I want. I’m embarrassed next to my fiance. Today he noted that I seem to love self-deprecating humor a lot. Well yeah, if I put myself down first, it hurts less when someone else does (or when I imagine that someone else does).

I blame my parents a lot for somehow not wanting me to succeed. It’s just dumb. They made so many wrong decisions with me. It’s horrifying to me how my life has become a complete joke, thanks to not having the strength to go against their controlling of me.

I’m just so sad. I cry. It’s just… Honestly, what is the point of anything anymore?

Before anyone judges me for the things I say here, beleive me that on the outside, I still carry on. I’m still trying.

But I guess I’m allowed to write about how I WANT to give up on it all, and that I see no meaning in my life.

Feelings and actions are different. I don’t act out my feelings all the time, but I still want to acknowledge my feelings.

He has no idea. I read somewhere that when men feel like they can’t make you happy, they’d rather break up with you. He seems to hint at something to that direction. Hence I can’t say anything to him (I feel compelled to but I can’t).