Venti in Current Events

Toni, my roommate, went on another tangent last night. We were talking about work and she responded with one of her insecure rants about how pathetic everybody is at my work for being lifers. That their whole life is that store and that they failed to do anything else with their lives. That they need to grow up. She is out-picturing her own insecurities. She literally has accomplished nothing in her life. She is at a job interview as I type to be a lifer at some small department store. Literally, that is what they said they wanted from her. Somebody that will be there for a long time.

She sits at home, drinks, gets high, and then feels sorry for herself. That’s it. She goes to a gym twice a week but that is all that she does. I invite her out and she always passes on it and when I get home after she is drunk and depressed. She is depressed because she feels lonely. She feels lonely because she has toxic codependence and nobody is fulfilling her needs. She failed to grow up and learn to meet her own needs. It all has to come from outside of her. Literally, she has told me that she feels like she never grew up. That she still feels like a kid. That was funny because I feel like her parent.

Her existence is infinitesimal. She contributes nothing to no one or to anything. She can barely contribute anything herself. If we want to talk about pathetic existences.

She was not talking about me being a lifer, I know that. I actually respect and like the people I work with and that made me feel some type of way. It was just uncalled for. She does not know any of them. A lot of them are actually retired and want something to do. They have their houses and cars paid off. Their kids are grown up. They had their careers. These are not unaccomplished people. Toni, much like myself, has nothing. I have a five-year plan I am waiting to commit to but WWIII is on the way. She still doesn’t even have that. No plans, no goals.

Work has been getting under my skin because that is just life. Linda and I are both up for that full-time position. I didn’t even know about the benefits that come with it. Paid sick days. Flex days, paid holidays etc. I want it more than ever now. I will be so jaded if she gets it. She is nowhere near my level. She has been there longer but I have been there better. She failed miserably at doing her task today. I ended up having to say later with her to help her accomplish something everybody else can do without any trouble. She knows that my grandmother is in the hospital and that I am trying to be home so I can talk to her on the phone when my mother goes there to see her. She still takes an extra fifteen minutes to get ready to leave. I drive her home and pick her up every morning because I’m a nice guy. That extra half-hour put me in rush hour traffic. I am off at 2:45 pm and I am home at 3:10 pm on most days. Today I got home at 4:55 pm.

I have plans with Crystale this evening. We are going to go for a walk. I am looking forward to it. It’s been a couple of years. I ran into her on the weekend. It’s going to be nice catching up.

I am trying to shake off this mood. Work is getting under my skin, as I said. It is our busiest time of year and so we are all feeling it. Same old bullshit. Then this Linda situation. I better not lose to her regarding that position. I will absolutely make a stink if I do. My boss brought it to her attention before she announced it to the rest of us. They discussed how to get Linda to work if she had full-time hours while I had part-time hours. We are both part-time but work full-time but that is going to change in a couple of months. I was a part of their solution without being a part of that conversation. Linda told me this in confidence so that she could ask me not to apply. I told her that I am going to apply because I am allowed to look out for my best interest. This whole thing is messy but I don’t have any fight in me to start any drama.

My grandmother is back in the hospital, as I said. My mother is visiting her today and I asked her to call me when she gets there so I can talk with my grandmother. I have been feeling a little bit sensitive these days. I don’t want to feel anything. Of course, I don’t want to be a self-medicator about it like my roommate. Like the way that I used to be.

What I want to do is train my mind to focus. I want to deep dive into the esoteric sciences and take notes along the way so I can make it all stick. That is what I am passionate about but my mind keeps being a me-monster.

I seem to have the same reoccurring thought:
I don’t want to want sex.
I don’t want to want food.
I don’t want to want drink.
I don’t want to need the bathroom.
These things are very inconvenient to me.
This spacesuit is high maintenance and I am over it.

Anyway, on with my evening.