Day off from work. in Since OD is shutting down....

I was off yesterday too but it didn't feel like a day off because my Mom hounded me incessantly until I went with them to try and get a horse but the damn thing wouldn't go in the trailor. I was only gone for about 3 hours dealing with that but I just wish she would understand that she's not going to dictate how I spend my days off. I'm sorry that she doesn't work anymore and doesn't remember what it's like to be tired but I told her today that I wasn't going to be coming out and may just have my phone off until I'm ready to be social. I have been up since about noon but laid in bed for quite awhile realizing that I need to stop staying up late and sleeping most of the day away.

I got my financial aid award letter in the mail a couple of days ago and they are trying to give me a lot more money this semester but I need to figure out exactly what classes I'm taking and what not before I accept any money. I would be able to pay off my car and pay up a shit ton of bills which would be nice because then I wouldn't have to work as much and would be able to focus more on my classes which is something I didn't really get to do last semester and that would be super nice. I worked way too much last semester and was so sleep deprived that I couldn't concentrate on anything and don't want to go through that again.

School starts for me at the end of August and I think I'm going to tell my job like a week or two before hand since I'm going into debt to get an education, I need to make school more of a priority and that I'm only going to be able to work Monday-Thursday until 9pm. It's not my problem that they can't keep people (due to people not getting treated right and never getting raises) and that I will not be closing, covering shifts or working doubles. It was partly my fault because I suck at saying no but I can't imagine being that sleep deprived ever again.

Work is going alright. There's the occasional drama and immaturity but I've learned to tune most of it out and let people know that I don't even care to hear about it. I get so fucking sick of people not being able to get along and rude ass fucking customers. That's another reason why I'm going to cut back on my hours. I also don't care about being a manager anymore due to the fact that if I became one, I would lose my housing and would have to work 65 a week to be able to pay ALL my rent and the rest of my bills. F to the NO! I'm friends with one of the managers and she only makes $9/hr but got kicked off housing because of all the overtime she has to work. It's just not worth it, especially for her because she has 3 kids that she never gets to see! Nope, I'm good! I would however love to have a raise. I know that it will more than likely never happen but I can only dream.

I still haven't found the time to get to the gym. I've been working late, then hanging out with co-workers and then I sleep until about 1 or 2pm and then go to work. I just don't know when I'll find the time, money or energy to make that happen and it worries me. I am so fat that I can't stand how I look or feel but I just don't have the motivation to start getting rid of it. I just don't know what the fuck to do. I hate being so overweight but it's like I just don't have the right mind set to do anything about it.

My little brother has been texting me. I just feel so bad that I can't be around more for him. I really like him and my Mom, I just can't stand being around my Dad. He's either grumpy and barely speaking or screaming and swearing at the top of his lungs and I can't handle either. I just wish I could deal with it so I could be around more for my little brother. I would love to take him to movies and have him spend the night but every time I've tried that shit, my Dad comes unglued. I've never been allowed to hang out with him because my Dad just freaks out. I don't know exactly why but I've learned to just not try anymore but it's not fair. My Dad is such a fucking piece of shit. I'm so angry that I don't get to have the relationship I want or need with my Mom or little brother because of him. I really wish things could be different. Even yesterday when I went with them, my little brother smoked his e-cig so that his regular ones wouldn't bother me but my Dad still smoked regular ones, he had to have smoked at least 10 in the hour I was around them. I wish I could understand why he has to be so rude and disrespectful but I just stay away from it instead of confronting him but that does nothing. I just wish I could figure out why he's such a fucking piece of trash. I honestly hate my Dad.

I'm really enjoying just sitting here, eating, watching tv, and just relaxing. I don't get to do this much so it's much appreciated. I'm glad that I get to be at home right now. I love being busy working and doing stuff but it's nice to be able to just veg out at home every now and then too.

I can happily report I never did call my ex John. I did post a personals ad on CL and then after he left that note, someone 'flagged' it and I would bet anything it was him. I feel like that was still him trying to control me by getting rid of my ad so I don't find someone new but I still got a healthy response and some of them I still text here and there. I don't think I'll find anyone that I'll really hit it off with but it's nice to have people outside of work and family to text me.

Both of my ex's are just horrible human beings and I thank God everyday that they are no longer a part of my everyday. They did nothing but hurt me and do what they could to tear me down and because I had no self esteem and no one else to spend my time with, I let it go on. Now, I know I have at least some confidence, at least enough that I will never again allow what I did then. I have those moments where I miss both of them but I never miss them enough to try and contact them anymore. I know I'm better off without them. My other ex...he made yet another new Facebook page and sent a friend request which I didn't accept but reported him for being a sex offender. I really don't care if he's on Facebook except that I'm scared to see him be in a relationship with someone because he told me that he doesn't want one isn't ready to change and all that noise so if I saw him with some girl, it would hurt me because it would make me feel like he really did want a relationship, he just didn't want one with me.

It kills me that I gave him a front row seat to watching me suffer by not only staying in contact after we broke up, but by still allowing a sexual relationship. It's just crazy how much he hurt me and it's still taking me a considerable amount of time to heal from it. I miss him but then I think about all the shit he put me through and then I just get angry. I get angry because of not only did he do all the shit he did but that I let it go on!

Anyway, I just got a Facebook message from my cousin's wife. This chick is something else. I haven't spoken to her in probably 4 years. She is a really nice person on the outside but if you cross her, you are in for a lot of drama you don't want that you can't handle. She's the kind that plays dirty by trying to get you fired, kicked out of your house, tell people shit that is completely untrue and geniunely loves to fuck with people's lives because she doesn't have one of her own. She's the one that told my ex that I'm unable to have kids. This happened just a few months ago. I have no fucking clue where she came up with that one but I'm still pretty sore over it. I would absolutely love to confront her about it but she's the type that would just deny it and then keep doing it knowing that it's bothering you so there's no point in saying anything. She's also a piece of shit welfare Mom that is "proud" to live off housing, food stamps, and her parents. She's had 4 kids with my cousin and they've never had their own place because her and my cousin are more about wasting their money then being responsible people for their kids. There's a part of me that would love to message her back to see how her and the kids are doing but my problem is I've always given people way more chances than what they deserve and every time I let people like that back into my life, I regret it later. I just can't risk having her fuck with my job or find out where I go to school. I am finally comfortable with where I work and my school that I just can't have someone fuck with my life just because they can. It just sucks that she's such a shitty human being because there's a part of me that does miss her for her sense of humor and what not but I just have to ignore her message. I know it will show her that I've seen it but I just don't need her drama.

She's also the kind of person where you don't want to tell her anything too personal or she'll throw it back in your face later. I remember one time telling her that I was suicidal (back when I was a teenager and super depressed) and she had gotten mad at me and told me I should go kill myself. I also don't want her knowing where I work because she's tried to get me fired in the past too. I just don't understand why people have to be so mean, especially family! This girl has been around for a super long time but we've all decided to cross her off because she is so crazy and mean! And I mean, I know people can change but I'd rather just not take the chance of letting this person back into my life to have yet another chance to hurt me like she's done before.

I know people can change. But most of the time they don't. She is someone who's had a million and one chances and it always results in staying away from her so it's probably best for everyone for things to just stay where they are. I'm worried because now that I've clicked into her message she knows I've seen it and I'm scared that she'll think I'm ignoring her and then she could react in a very negative way but she needs to also remember all the reasons I have to have stayed away from her all this time too. It just pisses me off how people think that you need to just forgive and forget instead of understanding that they've hurt you more than once and I think in this situation it's in EVERYONE'S best interest for me to not communicate with her.

Honestly, I do wish things could be different. I wish that with a lot of people from my past but there's a reason why none of them have made it to my present. I do miss this girl but I don't miss her enough to give her another chance to fuck me over. She's fucking crazy and I just can't see past that anymore. There's a fine line between forgiveness and stupidity. This time I'm going to choose what's right for me and I'm not going to give her another chance.

I have always been that person to give people a second chance, third chance...basically as many chances as possible until they've made it to where I couldn't bring myself to keep letting them back into my life. I have always let unhealthy, toxic people into my life because I was so desperate for companionship but now, I'm in a better mindset and don't feel it's worth it to let people have a bunch of chances anymore.

It also irritates me how she acts like nothing happened. She basically just asked how I've been and hopes to hear from me soon. Nothing pisses me off more than when people act like nothing happened to cause you to stop talking to each other. Obviously there's a reason (or several) as to why we haven't spoken in 4 years and now you wanna hit me up and act like nothing ever happened?!

If I could be sure that she was a better person now then what she's shown me in the past, I would love to have her back in my life. I do miss her because we had a lot of good times back then and a lot of laughs but I just can't risk having her fuck with my job or anything else.

Going to say goodnight to my niece.