B+ for Tax I in My life

It sucks! Not what I wanted at all. I had 5 classes, and on 3 of them I had hoped I did okay (A-range grades) and 2 of them I knew I messed up. Tax was one of the former 3. Big bummer. I hate this.

I’m debating telling my fiance or not. I’m just really so ashamed about being a failure and totally stupid. It’s ridiculous. He doesn’t judge at all, but I guess… I don’t know, maybe I expect to be judged? Maybe it’s what I’m familiar with?

Maybe I won’t tell him and I will just internalize things. He’s had it anyway.

It’s just sad. I had wanted to try so hard to raise my grades. I basically have to get all A’s in order to have any hope of graduating cum laude (top 40%). Yes, yes I care about those Latin honors.

I guess, it’s just, I don’t know who I am without them. Without good grades. I just need to be less prideful about it all. I’m going to get some lame job but at least I will be making a living.

Why can’t I just be content and proud for having a successful husband? Plenty of women are like that. Plenty of women are stay-at-home mothers. Why do I have to feel so terrible about myself next to him. I’m just mad. I tried so hard. I used to do well in college, getting straight As and such, and then I didn’t have a single happy day for 6 straight years after college because I didn’t “do well.”

I’m just hopelessly sad and I don’t know why I even matter.

Update: I just burst into tears in the evening today. He was so concerned and was comforting me. I kept mum through it all, though. I succeeded at that. I just can’t let him know. It’s dumb and it’s stupid and it’s too much for him. I’ll spare him that, but he’s just so super sweet.

Last updated May 16, 2022