Today in The Crimson Permanent Assurance

It's 5:10am. I should technically still be at work right now but I have figured out that no one gives a fuck where I am if there is no work to be done on Friday nights/Saturday mornings if there is no work and everything is copacetic. So sometimes I peace out early and spend the rest of the night at home, slightly drunk, making sure nothing needs my full attention. It never does on Friday night/Saturday morning. If it's important, it comes in before 3am. So I leave the office around 3am/4am if there is no work and login from home and just make sure nothing needs my attention. After all I have given for this job for the last two years, I almost feel like they owe it to me. But it's still technically wrong and I know that so I always make sure there is no work at all left before I leave.

That said, I have had one drink, it is 6am, and I need something to eat. My mom comes into town on Tuesday, and I am going to take the three weeks she is in town to try and get off the booze. I don't know what is going to happen but I cannot be blackout drunk while she is here, even if it is only on the weekends, like I have been justifying to myself for months. So this is the Clean Up, and we will see what happens. I haven't bought any alcohol in two weeks, so I am almost at the bottom of my chosen drink, which is 100 proof vodka, the smaller size,

Anyway, life is complicated. I clean every weekend and just try to make it through the weeks. I almost never think of K. anymore, but I can't tell you whether that is because I don't care or he doesn't care. I am guessing more the latter since I haven't changed my phone number in years and he hasn't even sent me a text in over a year. I hope he is happy, truly, because I am completely content in my crazy ridiculous work-a-holic life. Well, content may be too strong, but I am not dissatisfied I can't imagine anything that would be better. Tim loves me unconditionally, and that means so much these days when I can barely be bothered to shower more than 3x a week, and maybe we have sex once a week if I am in the mood and not too drunk to do it on the weekend. I hate that being drunk has precluded sex sometimes, but here is the thing, it is either be drunk on the weekends, sometimes, or it is fucking hang myself, so Tim deals and I deal and it is OK if we only have sex twice a week rather than three times. And don't get me wrong, he is exhausted these days. We are working so hard on the weekends to Keep Up With The Joneses, and keep our backyard from being The Most Ghetto On The Block by working on the construction most weekends, and I can't even talk about my feelings because it makes me feel like a shrill bitch and that is one thing I am not these days. I have faith, I do, that this construction of the backyard will one day end. Maybe by even the middle of summer. I don't really care. I am just so fucking Zen about it all.

My Mom is coming to town next Tuesday. I could tell you how freaked out I am about exposing my Mom to all of this chaos, but I ame planning to quit the vodka while she is here, which is good timing, but I am not sure if this is a good or horrible idea. I guess we will find out. I just want my Momk to have a good vacation. I feel like I owe that to her, but I don't know why. Just because. I guess we will find out. I know I am a rain Wreck, but I promise that I am trying to be a good example of a train wreck, whatever that means.