Narcs and alcoholism. in Since OD is shutting down....

I had my moment of weakness and decided to call and see if he was going to help over the Summer and holy shit. He literally started screaming instantly. Slurring his words, wasn’t making sense, really hoarse and honestly scary as shit. I listened to his nonsense for about 8 minutes and then finally hung up. It truly scared me how crazy, mean, and just overall nutty he sounded. Well, I ended up blocking him from calling or messaging because he was blowing up my phone. Then, he sends a friend request. I accepted just to go through all of his shit. I’ll talk more about this later.

Anyways so there’s a place where you can sign up to get free school clothes for your kids in turn you gotta do classes for different things or sign your kids up for a bible school thing which I think could be a fun, informative thing for my child. We’ll probably sign up because I’d like to get her into more stuff and even talk different classes for stuff myself. There’s also a place here where you can get free school supplies. I think it’s great that they have these kind of programs and wish this stuff was around when I was a kid.

Sometimes I think about how better my daughter has it then I did and she’s being raised by 1 parent. She’s going to be 5 in a couple of months and she’s already gotten to do way more than I did and has everything she needs at all times. I’m grateful that I can give her the life that I never got and it’s just me. I know that we are truly better off without her Dad because that guy is a fucking mess and wouldn’t provide anything but a big headache if he was in her life or lived in my home. Just because you grow up with both parents doesn’t always mean you are going to have it better. I love being able to buy her nice things, take her to do fun stuff and just be the best Mom I can be for her and I feel that I can give her the best life possible without her Dad in the picture.

I’ve realized so much about my situation and I like to find the positives and there’s quite a bit. My daughter and I are doing just fine and will continue this way. I know once she starts kindergarten, I won’t have the worry of no childcare anymore and I’ll be able to get a job. I’m hoping to get her into the after school program and they have it in the Summer too. There’s also another place she can go as well and that’s based on income so it’s going to be okay.

We have so many good things and things are pretty good. I know yesterday I was feeling the stress about Summer and that’s why I tried to reach out to him but then I remember he hasn’t been involved and we are still doing alright. It’s unfortunate for my daughter because she should have her Dad in the picture but until he gets the help that he needs, she’s better off. I ain’t about to have my daughter around a raging alcoholic that refuses to get help.

Since yesterday, I’ve really done a lot of thinking about my ex John and how my kid’s Dad is a carbon copy. He was the same way with being a narc, an alcoholic, didn’t take responsibility for anything and chased people away so he could drink. I understand now more than ever what his kids’ Mom went through. I feel for her because she had it a lot worse because they had actually been married and I remember him telling me that he’d gotten drunk and actually pulled her around on the floor by her hair. Their situation was way more toxic because they’d actually been in a relationship and no matter how badly he treated her, she still let him see the kids but I also remember how damaged they were because of him.

My daughter is better off without her alcoholic father only coming around when he feels like it just to create chaos. I know he’s done a lot of it because he’s pissed that I won’t give in and be with him but he never thought about the bigger picture. It’s crazy how people can create a life and their offspring aren’t enough to get help and turn it all around. I know that you gotta do it for you but your kids should be your motivation as well.

My conversation with him yesterday was a big trigger for me to think about my ex John and how many times I went over to his house and would have to break in to find him passed out drunk turning purple and would have to call 911. He ended up with a heart condition where they put in a pacemaker and because he couldn’t quit drinking, he died about 6 months later with 2 empty bottles of vodka next to him. His 13 year old daughter found him. My kid’s Dad is heading down that same road. He had told me the other day that he’s been having heart problems and I know it’s from drinking.

With my ex John, we were on again off again for about 2 and half years and while I’m annoyed at myself that I kept going back and wanting to help him it really saved me from ending up with my kid’s Dad where I would have to deal with him being an abusive alcoholic where not only would I have had to live with him but my daughter would too. I knew that he was fucked up when we met and that’s why I wasn’t ever agreeable to a relationship and never thought I’d have a kid with him but I’m grateful for what I went through before I met him because I was on guard.

I really wish I had someone in my life to share all of this with because I really don’t have anyone to listen. I have so many stories and things I’d like to talk about but I don’t have enough time with people. My friend calls in the morning on her way to work and my brother is pretty emotionally unavailable a lot of the time. I just have so much going on in my head all the time and always have to get through it by myself and it sucks sometimes.