Lately, WOW in Journal

So much happening. Crypto markets are bleeding out so there isn’t much to do atm except try to ignore it and wait. No point messing around with a portfolio ~60% down lol
DH got another raise the other day. We got a new water heater- the one in this house is janky af and is on the fritz. REALLY need an AC unit, too. These flash high temps are killing me. Can’t sleep.
Feeling rather preoccupied and stressed about the whole financial situation. WE are fine, but, I can’t imagine… LUNA got rugged and that was like what… almost 10 billion in value gone. Plus it’s stablecoin paired with a bunch of other assets, so everything is in free fall. The only saving grace rn is HEX and Pulsechain. RH hasn’t done a lot for my confidence, tho. I feel the annihilation panic, lol, and the sell button is so very tempting. If it were more accessible, I might’ve done it.
Probably the only saving grace is being part of communities that keep me level and stay the course. Idk what I’d be doing without people of same mind and constitution. It’s so sad to think that so many are going it alone and getting wrecked because of it.

I had a very interesting encounter with an older friend of DH’s mom the other day. I wrote about it personally but the very brief yet intense interaction has afforded me an insight into what it means to be consistent. The interaction itself was innocuous, mundane, uninteresting (to everyone except me probably), but the unpacking of her choices in my mind was really very interesting. Suffice to say, she showed up at my door out of the blue to drop of some sentimental book she’d made, and had DH’s brother’s Baby Mama in tow. I answered the door, she gave me the book, exchanged some pleasantries, and they left. I thought, almost instantaneously as I saw her standing with BM, do you regret associating with this woman? the thought was directed at the family friend, in reference to BM. Of course, if it isn’t clear by now, the choice to associate with and thereby approve of people who are unrepentant child abusers means that there is no capacity for honesty or intimacy. That question came up because, I recognized the family friend as someone who at least presented herself as someone upright, honest, and capable of deep connection and valuable relationships.
I wondered what she’d say if I asked, but I didn’t. I had met her maybe twice before in my life, and I just didn’t really have any good reason to pursue that with her.
Since then, I’ve found myself reminiscing about similar behavior of people in my life. How hypocritical behavior always has to be defended with aggression and violence. Of course. Reason and rationality cannot support hypocrisy. So it has to be violence. Poignantly, I thought of a memory I hadn’t thought about or recalled for many years- decades, probably. It was the memory of my dad, a vehement, vile, shouting loathsome slurs at the television hater of democrats and especially our then-president Clinton, answer my question about why he wanted to attend a political even that was going on in our area. “Don’t you hate him?” I asked dad, probably about 6 years old. “I’d still shake the man’s hand,” he told me, an interesting combination of sober respect and tempered excitement in his face. “He’s still the President of the United States.”
I experienced such a strong and true reaction of utter disgust and contempt. I was revolted by what he was saying- not that this affect of respect and admiration were themselves repugnant, bu that he was so hopelessly enthralled by power, that it erased his very person.
I remember in that moment, that I thought to myself, power is the ruler. I must always defer to the most powerful, or I will be annihilated. And there was terror in my understanding.
The reason I associated my father’s deferral to power as the power to annihilate is, of course, because my father wished and threatened to annihilate me. It was the primary force behind his violence. Helpless rage at those who wield power over him, and deferential admiration in the face of direct conflict with that power.
Like all virus’ that want to replicate, he tried to infect me with that same disease.
Likewise, I recall all the times that J, my mom, cited some virtue or ‘doing the right thing’ to me- and I want to ask her, now, how difficult was it for you? In a very serious, not sarcastic sort of way. Everyone wants to be good. Bad people simply justify what they already do and want to do as good. Virtue is difficult. The ‘right thing’ is difficult. J always prided herself on being the ‘good’ one, the moral one, the right one. Compared to what, though?
Sigh. Hardly anyone gives a thought to their morality. There is a cursory explanation justifying what they did, or what they want to do, but the real motivation is just power, or status or virtue-signaling.

And that is why most people dislike honesty.