What a weekend. in Since OD is shutting down....

OKay so I watched both kids last night because my brother and his girlfriend went out and I sent them on a mission. SD was supposed to be downtown to watch the fights and then go to another bar after. Well, my brother called and sent Snapchat videos of the inside of each place and he seriously wasn’t there. I was sure he would be because he never misses out on the bar scene. I wanted so badly for them to see him and get him arrested for the CS warrant.

Both my brother and best friend has the same train of thought and almost always have the same opinion on things. I was still pretty upset about how he won’t get enrolled with the tribe and both of them said I wouldn’t see the money anyway. The fact that he was basically hinting around for me to pay for his BC and Id (even though I told him he didn’t need it) but he wanted it so he can keep going to the bar, the fact that he wanted her information and the fact that I would have had to stay in touch with him to get her check is all bullshit.

I’ve mentioned him getting enrolled for about a year now and even the other night when I talked to him he had every excuse under the sun, even though it can take a super long time to get enrolled. He just has it in his head that I’m going to be fully cooperative in giving him her SSN and BC because I know that he would try and use it to get himself a free apartment and food stamps and probably claim her on taxes and then even if he did send in the paperwork, I would have to wait and see if he told me about her check and I just know that even if he did get it, he probably wouldn’t say anything until the money would be long gone.

I know that it’s super unfair that he chooses to be absent and hasn’t paid CS in a year but it really wouldn’t be worth it to see about him getting enrolled because I wouldn’t get the money from him anyway. As much as all of this has pissed me off and honestly, made me depressed it’s better this way. It’s better that I’m not sitting around waiting for something to happen that would only work out for him. I remember when he worked under the table during the Summer and I drove there to bring him back and didn’t see a dime. He fuckin used me.

Really, I understand now more than ever that because he can’t control me that he’s going to hang on to what control he does have and since I don’t allow him to see our child at his whim, he can’t use her to get at me. Thinking in his box has helped me emotionally because I’d rather heal from all of this than be angry and depressed. I spent enough time in cognitive dissonance that I will never go back to that. I fought way too fucking hard to escape that ugly fog to end up going back.

Until this guy has hit rock bottom, his wake up call is going to be a jail cell. As long as he has people believing that he’s the victim in this situation and he has absolutely no control in his life, this is what we are going to deal with. I think just truly letting it be what it is would be the best way for my daughter and i to be okay. Best thing I can do is just give it to God and see how the cookie is going to crumble. I highly doubt he’s going to go the rest of his life avoiding accountability. He has 13 more years of CS and even if he doesn’t pay, they will draw it from his Social Security.

My friend said the other day that he’s not going to be able to be jobless forever and my argument is he’s done a good job for a fucking year, again. He owes more than he’s ever paid. I do take comfort in the fact that he knows every single day that he does nothing for his child and the time he’s lost and is losing is time he can’t ever get back.

I’m annoyed at myself that I didn’t think things through more before I called him as I haven’t spoke to him in 6 months but I think I needed to so I could see things a lot more insightful than before. I think it’s always going to piss me off that he’s absent but I’d rather he be absent than keep playing games because my daughter doesn’t deserve that. I may be biased but she is truly everything I wanted in a daughter. She’s got a heart of gold, always looking out for everyone and just makes my world go ‘round. It’s crazy that ANYONE would want to miss out on how wonderful she is but that’s their choice.

My daughter told me earlier, “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom” and I just wanted to cry happy tears. It made me feel so good. The love I have for her is more than I could have ever imagined. I love her more every day.

She went with my brother and his family for a few hours today which was nice because I power cleaned the house and got to sit down and eat lunch and just relax. I went to the store before I picked her up and got a big jug of Dawn dish soap, trash bags and my shave get. I picked her up and got drinks at a place here and then TB for dinner. She ate and had her bath. She fell asleep about an hour before bedtime because she’s just exhausted. It’s been a long weekend again. We went and did something fun yesterday for Mother’s Day and then she was up pretty late playing with her cousin.

So school is out on the 26th and then we have the Summer. I’m a little worried about how I’m going to entertain her but I’m hoping she can hang out with her cousin some and have her babysitter watch her some. We aren’t going to be able to be out doing stuff every day but I plan to buy her more puzzles and an art set and do what we can to keep busy. I also need to see about getting us a gym membership and go swimming.

Anyways, more tomorrow. I’m getting tired.