yeah so on dr. phil today in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

they talked about violent relationships. yeah that's. not something I talk about. or think about. it was an interesting ep. I only watched half of it cause these 2 ladies had been burned by their. the guys they were w/........something to do w/ gasoline. I don't like watching things that involve people burning. not bc it personally happened to me it didn't. no but that's the very thing i'm afraid of. and growing up in CO where we have a lot. of forest fires well it makes sense. i'd be afraid of them.

um. my last relationship was well it was an abusive one. not all the time but it was there.

um so yeah. mrs. phil dr. phil's wife for those uninformed. er no not 'mrs. phil'..........sorry. I mean mrs. McGraw*. anyway, his wife. yeah her. she asked one of the ladies why they were in the relationship. er still in it, rather. it was more of a wondering than an actual question. she was making a point.

For me, the reason I didn't tell anyone. about what was going on. well there are a few reasons. 1: I didn't want people to be involved. I didn't want anyone getting involved even though they probably should've been. and B: it didn't happen that often so to me it was like it wasn't 'bad enough' to be talked about so. I didn't. which is exactly why I hate the whole 'it could be worse' card. that makes me feel like it didn't matter or even if it did at least not enough to have been talked about. which, again. is why I didn't. same w/ what my mom put me through.

W/ my ex. I was waiting for it to get 'bad enough' to where I felt validated enough to tell someone. If it had happened more often then I might've told someone. sure not someone who could've actually done something but that's the point. I'm certainly not going to tell someone who's going to not only get involved themselves but also get others involved. I don't publicise things and I'm going to make damn sure no one does either. this is why my sister and I aren't close.

But at the same time. The thought that it could've gotten to that point. well it scares the living hell out of me even now. even though we're not together. he still terrifies me.