J's birthday and Purity Rant in Journal 2022

Soon it will be J’s birthday! I’m so excited, he said he doesn’t want anything besides me to VA for one of his projects. I’ve never voice acted before but I’ll do it for him. J’s explained he’s not one to want parties and gifts so I just have to be super kind and happy.

I don’t plan to get pregnant anytime soon but J wants one kid and he’s getting one eventually. He knows about my past, well a third of it but he shared before we dated (I was 18 already before anyone starts calculating numbers and my theories) that he’s had thoughts about me having his kid. I was admittedly, upset in my head. But idk, I never thought about kids much, I always said I’d wait till I finished school or hit my mid twenties.

But anyway, J’s 24/25th(?) Birthday will be nice. I apologize if I get his age wrong in some entries, I’ve noticed I’ve done this a few times. J overall is someone I like alot but I feel insecure and I know he feels guilty for not being in my life during 2018 - to mid 2020. I don’t blame him, we were only somewhat friendly at the time.

I just wish was a pure girl. I know virginity is a social construct, that masturbation is normal, etc but I feel tainted. I havent ever had sex and that’s my last claim to purity. It’s my last chance to ever be pure and I don’t want to give that up for just anyone. J started to sext once without asking me and I felt so inpure afterwards (we stopped as he got worried about me). I didn’t tell him this as he already was checking on me.

I felt so dirty, unclean. I just wanted to hug my stuffed animals, take a shower and become pure again. I wish I could go back in time and stay pure. I wish I could keep my virginity forever or get rid of my vagina /breasts. That’s what caused all of these problems anyway, well no, that’s irrational to think but I can’t help it!

J is the only man whose not forced me to do anything, I won’t become tainted anymore. Ive never had anyone be worried about my wellbeing to the point they wanted to refrain from dating me. But I’m already losing my purity by eventually doing it with him in a few years and it’s scary. Why can’t girls just have a way to keep themselves pure? It’s so gross, sex, these urges. Yes they are natural but I don’t want them.

In my perfect world, people could turn these things off, no men staring, no locking the door when showering, no nightmares, nothing. Because no one would have sexual urges, sexual desires, sex wouldn’t even be thing besides maybe to help the earth grow population wise. Sure there would be hubs and kissing but that’s it and it would only be when given permission…I could wear whatever I want and be safe…I would be pure forever, I would never be tainted.

It’s like a warm shower, purity. You’re clean and so tired, you can lay in bed and not hate yourself. A life like that, I would give anything for. J would give me that I hope. He would let me be okay. One day with J I can experience a life with purity. I could just lay in bed all day, no worries, no fear, no more therapist, no doctors, no constant vomiting, aching, blood. J would give me praise and actually think I’m smart and not yell at me or belittle me.

He’s a really nice guy. But I have to remind myself, I’m already tainted. I’ll never be fully pure again.