Possible Pregnancy, impurities and gross. in Journal 2022

I have had a average time.

J is nice, he is such a caring and selfless person. Recently, I’ve started asking online in various reddit and forums how to become unbroken. I don’t like that I have no sex drive and I’m scared of everything.

J deserves better, he’s understanding but…God I’m so gross. I just wanna puke. I try to imagine him shoving that thing in me as good, eventually when it happens, but it’s so scary!

It makes me hide under my stuffed animals and shake my head no! Gross, stickiness. All I think about is my impurities, I remember a guy told me I’m inpure because of my past and it hurt me. Really deeply.

Sometimes I worry J thinks I’m inpure really and it makes me shaky and sick in the stomach. I didn’t wanna talk about this in this entry, I wanted to talk about my grades and looking for internships but I have to talk about it!

J and I have talked about future kids. Having J’s baby, makes my scared. I feel like children are scary and that requires sex! SEX! I’ll be inpure, I’ll be tainted forever and no amount of scrubbing and scrubbing will make it go away!