Skin Deep in Current Events

I got my roots touched up yesterday. I barely made it out of my parking spot. I had to dig it out and it took a while. Then I almost got stuck in the parking lot at the mall. It’s supposed to be spring. The snow is crunchy and slushy and hard to power through if you have to stop in a small pile. I’m so over it.

There is plenty that I can do today. My team does not work stats, I am off today. I was off yesterday because I called in. That was a good call. I also get to have a four-day weekend which I need. I have to do a mental detox this weekend. I have to force myself to do everything that I am procrastinating.

It’s a four-day weekend with Toni home also, my roommate. I’m already feeling suffocated. On Sunday she usually works and I have a day all to myself. I don’t have to be mindful of anyone. I’ll live. I need to stop making her my enemy. I need to stop creating enemy constructs in general. We out-picture everything. I see her laziness and unwillingness to grow up and parent herself because that is what I see in myself. Here I am, unable to will myself to do simple things for myself also. I created the usual positive feedback loop which paralyzes my consciousness. Now I have anxiety about the simplest of tasks. Am I doing my best? No. I need to get over myself.

While I was getting my hair done, I got a good look at how bad my hairline is. It’s awful. I can just accept it but I will try and see if I can DMSO to help it. I see men everywhere that manage to get their hair grown back. I don’t trust a lot of those products out there. I trust DMSO. I am just intimidated to use it still. It’s going to burn, thus the recipe for the hair treatment calls for aloe juice and peppermint oil. It’s also transdermal, it will take everything with it into my bloodstream so I have to use an organic shampoo first. I have to use it twice because I have colour-treated hair. Not the end of the world. I found a shampoo that should be safe to use, I just need to order it from Amazon. I discovered that there are men that are using colloidal silver to grow their hair. To fill in any patches in their beards also. Weird, I’ll try it out. I do have colloidal silver sitting in my medicine cabinet. I never have faith in any products working, ever. My long battle with cystic acne only ended because I quit dairy. Every product had failed prior to that.

I found a simple recipe for protein powder. I want to gain some weight, some muscle. I am not doing the right things. I have to be real about that. I feel like the only way I am going to get to a gym, to get comfortable in a gym, is if I work in one part-time. I think I will apply to a few and just see what happens.

I look at my body in the mirror and… plenty of people want this figure and I should be grateful but I’m not. I made the mistake of comparing myself to those influencers on social media, again. I know that if I make my fitness journey about aesthetics I will develop body dysmorphia. I’m practically already there. I’m 36, do I need to have the body of those twenty-somethings? It will take up 100% of my time to look like they do. I know that because that is what it takes for them. Meticulously calculated diets, exercise and rest. It must consume them. They talk about it. Some are real and raw about it. They are open about how their physiques come with health issues. Women are irregular with their menstrual cycles. Men experience hormonal imbalances of their own. Other things that I can’t think of. The mental health, do they have that? They will show a before picture of themselves looking perfectly normal. Then bash the hell out of it as though that person is not loveable. It’s such a deranged message to put out there but also hard to witness.

Anyway, I felt like opening up about my insecurities. To air it out. We all have them. Also, my hair stylist dyed my hair darker, I’m not a fan. Also, there is some blue in it. It better wash out. It’s supposed to be sterling, not dark grey. She also trimmed it up a bit. I didn’t ask her to do that. I don’t like it. I’ll live though.

I was thinking about the esoteric side of things. Regarding my life and the journey that I am on. I’ll write about it later, most likely. I was thinking about Saturn and how Saturn works. How it operates. How it removes and places obstacles ruthlessly to force you to grow. I was thinking about how I lost everything a few years ago. That is what forced me to look inward. That’s what started my journey. A spiritual awakening, as the new agers say. My hair was always my security blanket, my self-esteem was built on it. So naturally, it would have to go, lol.