Control and choices. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have never considered myself a control freak or thought that I may have control issues whatsoever but now that I’m a parent, I realize that I need to have some control over things to be okay.

I worked at a job for 7 years that controlled me to the fullest. I spent all my time there, whether I wanted to or not because it was always short staffed and there was no one else. I made shit pay and was never home. I got pregnant and had a baby. My daughter spent more time in a daycare than she was ever home with me.

Now that I’ve had the past year an a half to really sit back and think.... I realize that no matter where I work next I plan to be very transparent about my time and schedule.

The interview I had Monday didn’t happen because I was told over the phone that I’d have to work at the location furthest from me which is about 15 miles away when the location closest to me is about a mile. So that would mean if there’s no school, I would have to drive almost 30 miles to drop my kid off to the babysitter and then make it to the other side of town on time. My daughter and I would have to get up a lot earlier than normal to make this happen. We aren’t morning people, especially getting up and getting ready a lot earlier than we usually do.

I have to feel like I have choices and I have some control over my life. Everyone here acts like it’s no big deal and that I should just fling my kid into yet another daycare. I can’t bring myself to do it. I NEVER wanted her to be a daycare kid to begin with as I don’t trust those places for crap and I don’t want to have to worry she’s going to spend more time with strangers then family.

All daycares are concerned about is the bottom dollar. They see paychecks not actual children that should matter more than money. I have also been used/taken advantage of a lot being a single Mom and now, I don’t want anyone looking after her other than school. I also paid thousands of dollars every year for her to attend daycare where she ended up with head lice at 2 years old, they couldn’t keep track of her clothes or shoes and they have several pending lawsuits for abuse and neglect.

The bottom line is I don’t trust anyone with my child and it’s really hard to even try. I trust school because I’ve met all the people that work there and got really good vibes and a lot of them have kids of their own.

I must feel that I have choices because I didn’t for so long. I can’t go back to that life. I’m sorry that I ever stayed at that job for so long because I’m still dealing with a lot of mental scars from it. I didn’t get to have any say over my life at all and I couldn’t deal with strangers looking after my kid anymore. I am terrified of falling back into that.

Today I put myself into a panic attack thinking about how I am scared that I’ll never work again because of what I went through. I have a lot of issues because of that place. Even though I know not all places are like that one, I still fear that I’ll find myself in the same situation no matter where I try and work.

I have a lot of fear and I lack confidence like crazy. I really need to start doing things to make things better for myself mentally. I am so thankful for everything I have but somewhere down the line, I gotta get it together.