Shoot. in A new beginnging.

One of my very best friends just started watching, "Felicity." This makes me happy. The one important thing you need to know about me is that, "Felicity" is my obsession.

I told Mark that is was my best friend during senior year.

It's true.

So the date with Nate went great. It was a blast. We were at the restaurant for over 3 hours, we played bingo, and talked a lot. He walked me to my car, and to my surprise, he kissed me. Whoa, right? I didn't think this normally happened on the first date. Cool. That made me even more excited. We both shared a lot of interest in the second date, and texted every day, several times, throughout the rest of the week. Friday night I got very intoxicated at a BBQ. I got home and there was like a bug party in the house. I saw my first silverfish and when I went to go to bed, there was a spider on my ceiling. I was texting Nate all about this. I sent him a photo of my TV and shelf, which is where the spider had fallen when my brother tried to kill it. I then said, "too tired to care, going to bed, nite" He responded, "Nite lady" I woke early the next morning to pee, and I groggily see a text from him. It was a photo captioned, "One for you though." The picture was his neck down, no shirt and he was pulling the side of his pants down juuust far enough. When I finally woke up fully, the weight of the uncomfortableness of this hit me hard. I then shared the story with my brother and sister and they confirmed my feelings. I did not text him. Around noon that day he asked, "did a spider eat you in your sleep?"

2 days later, Sunday afternoon, I was just leaving work when he sent another text. The first sentence said, "I am assuming that picture message went through, and it was not supposed to so I am sorry for that." Whatever man.

I get it. I am 27, not 75. I get that there are people out there that take/receive these types of messages and think of it in a whole different way than I do. And that is fine. The point is, this type of this does not excite me. If anything, it shoots red flags up faster than being 25 and living with your parents. After 1 date? Thanks for leaving nothing to the imagination. What would have happened on a 2nd date? Don't get me wrong, he was definitely good looking. Clearly he knew this. I am sure a lot of girls in his life have gotten something similar.

Anyways, I never texted him again. That was that.

It was good to exercise the muscle again though, right?

Speaking of exercise.

I started running. I know. This is clearly shocking news. I finally got fed up. 'yeah I will start my Jillian michaels videos again...' as I stare at my pasty face in the mirror. Fuck that. I want to be outside. I want to give it s shot hoping I wont be at work everyday dreading coming home and thinking of any excuse to not do it.

So far, this is not the case. I started a week ago and have gone 6 times. The app 'run double' is about the best thing I have found. The in-ear coaching is so helpful to me. So helpful and motivating that I come home, throw on my shorts and Doomtree tank and go. It has been something that I look forward to during work. Crazy. I am going to keep this up. My mom is buying my really nice shoes from 'The Running Room', since mine are about 7 years old. I needed something to put my focus into. And this is going to be it.

I have hit another milestone. When I go in for my next counseling appointment on Monday, it will make it over 2 months that I have been going. I am almost positive that this is the longest I have stayed in therapy. Which was a mistake for many reasons, the biggest one being I am starting to see the effects of it, weird it doesn't happen after 2 weeks and then just keep helping without continuing the sessions.

Kelly (counselor) asked me yesterday if there is a part of me that still wished Josh and I were together. It took me a little bit to respond. I knew what the answer was, but I had to gather the words. I had to be able to say it out loud instead of just to myself. So I did.

I can't regret that time of my life. I can't. After so much grief and shutting myself off for over a year after my dad died, I fell in love with Josh. I fell hard and I gave all of myself to him. I learned that I value myself higher than I did. I know what I want, I know what I deserve and I know that I need to trust my gut.

I know that I am ready.