My thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

My birthday was yesterday and it was a pretty good day. My daughter and I went to Starbies to get my free birthday drink and I got her a cake pop. Burger King for breakfast and then my Mom came for a little bit before she went to work. My Dad got me a card and they each gave me money. I was definitely not expecting that and it was much appreciated. We went to Denny’s with my brother and my niece. Then we took the kids to a pool party where it was massively hot in there and now I’m worried I’m going to come down with pnemonia or some shit.

My brother said something to me last night that I’m still reeling from. He said that I just seem frustrated like I don’t like this life or like being a Mom. I realize that I need to quit complaining so much and start showing people that I’m not as miserable as I seem. I really don’t feel miserable overall but I think from being alone so much and not having a life outside of being a Mom, that when I get around other people I just feel like I need to vent or let them know how hard it is to be by myself.

I was annoyed that I guess BD had messaged him wishing me a Happy Birthday and if I need him to make up my birthday to get ahold of him. Why would I need him to make up my day?! I haven’t spoke to him in almost 6 months! It would have been different if he would have maybe offered to take OUR child for a little bit but of course, she was not even mentioned. I again have told my brother to block him but for whatever reason, he still engages! That motherfucker said something about how the economy is bad and something about the UK so yeah, he has no intention to get a job.

So I have a job interview Monday morning. It’s in the same category as the job I had for 7 years but my friend works at their other location and loves it. She said they never keep you past your time and it’s a really nice work place with no drama and people are happy. I’m not thrilled that I won’t be able to work with her because that location is right down the street for me but I do want to have a job again. I’m concerned that I don’t have an extensive availability and that my daughter will always have to be with a babysitter, like before.

It’s frustrating that I’ve never been able to count on her Dad or even my family and it’s bullshit that if I want to work, I have to leave her with a babysitter. I get that the lady I leave her with she’s known since she was 3 months old and she has a really good family and I trust them but I would like to work something out where my family could help out at least sometimes too. It’s really frustrating to know that if I get this job, I’ll have to be driving her clear to the other side of town and then drive to another side of town for work. I’m already exhausted thinking about it. It’s been really stressful with school never being consistent and that’s why I haven’t tried to have a job because I have to worry more about childcare!

But with what my brother said to me last night, I need to quit bitching so much and try to be a lot more positive about being a single Mom. It’s getting too late to still be this upset, my daughter will be 5 in about 3 months. I understand there’s a lot that I still need to let go of. I definitely don’t feel as bitter as other people view me but I also realize that constantly complaining is hurting things too. I honestly don’t think people really care to begin with and it’s not helping being so negative.

I miss working and feeling a lot better about my life. It’s nice to have gotten a break while my kid is at school but I’m also alone a lot. I would really like to meet people and have actual conversations with other adults but I don’t get to do that as much as I’d like.